It's a new day and a new perspective.
But so thankful that I took the time, during the most intense times of my separation grief, to jog down these notes. So many things I had forgotten. Not that forgiveness has been neglected on my part... it has been embraced. But it reminds me from where I came. It is difficult to see progress unless you maintain the visage of a starting point.
The genesis of this blog.... it is the starting point of grief. Grief that I survived. Who would've known? lol
The ending of My View From the Gate is, in fact, a new starting point.... my jumping off place. With reckless abandon & wide-eyed wonder, into the arms of Jesus.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Monday, May 11, 2009
Starting Over
This blog was started over a year ago. It's my 'secret' place on the web to vent. Gonna revamp it and start using it again so that I can keep a running log of what 'the man' is doing (or not doing) without my friends and family being privvy to every little thing.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
paranoia or instincts?
I've been looking over the forum at Divorce Busters and reading some sad stories. But I got to thinking after I read one person's advice. "The man" has been so hell bent on me getting a job, belittling me, withholding money so that I can't cover expenses, etc. I thought that was strange because he was supportive of me being a SAHM and agreed that it was the best thing for the children. Then it occurred to me today after reading something: I have been a SAHM for 7 yrs. If I get a job now, I won't qualify anymore for spousal support (alimony). DING! light bulb moment. So now, I am more determined than ever to make things work to take care of my kids WITHOUT getting a job. I was starting to fall under the guilt and thinking I was lazy and wanting to be "taken care of" like he was accusing. But now, I get it.
I used to tell him that it was much cheaper to keep me than to get rid of me. He is seeing how his actions are hitting his wallet and he is trying his best to escape unscathed, financially. Too bad.
Another thing that I thought of today: I mentioned in an email that I had had phone sex with someone recently but nothing else. He was really bent out of shape about it and kept after me in texting and on the phone. I thought that was odd considering how many umpteen times he's cheated on me (including the girl he was seeing when he moved out in November) and how I have been absolutely the picture of faithfulness our whole marriage. He seemed really upset. Then it occurred to me. If he can trump up some adultery accusations on me, he can get out of spousal support. I don't know if phone sex is considered adultery but we are separated.
I'm back to totally not trusting him. For a couple of days, he "seemed" to let his guard down and has been nice, even telling me he missed me, too, etc. But now I'm thinking it was all a ruse. He had said a week ago that after pay day, he had a phone consult with a lawyer. I wonder if this was all part of that?
Oh well, I think it's time for me to "go dark" and avoid contact as much as possible. I really let my guard down with him and I need to step back again.
I used to tell him that it was much cheaper to keep me than to get rid of me. He is seeing how his actions are hitting his wallet and he is trying his best to escape unscathed, financially. Too bad.
Another thing that I thought of today: I mentioned in an email that I had had phone sex with someone recently but nothing else. He was really bent out of shape about it and kept after me in texting and on the phone. I thought that was odd considering how many umpteen times he's cheated on me (including the girl he was seeing when he moved out in November) and how I have been absolutely the picture of faithfulness our whole marriage. He seemed really upset. Then it occurred to me. If he can trump up some adultery accusations on me, he can get out of spousal support. I don't know if phone sex is considered adultery but we are separated.
I'm back to totally not trusting him. For a couple of days, he "seemed" to let his guard down and has been nice, even telling me he missed me, too, etc. But now I'm thinking it was all a ruse. He had said a week ago that after pay day, he had a phone consult with a lawyer. I wonder if this was all part of that?
Oh well, I think it's time for me to "go dark" and avoid contact as much as possible. I really let my guard down with him and I need to step back again.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
frustration
I got a letter from the bank where we have the van loan. Apparently, the allotment that had been set up for the payment to come out of his pay, was stopped in December. Of course, he is the only one who could've stopped it. The thing is that now, they want $1500. He never told me he did it (I think actually he did it as a spontaneous, knee-jerk reaction to being mad at me and forgot about it). Now, all the income tax refund is gone and I'm just finding out. Oh yeah, I am some serious kind of pissed off! Now, I have to worry about the van being out there when I go to take the kids to school in the morning. The thing is: the van and loan are in his name. Not mine. His truck is only in my name (and paid off) and not his. I want to switch. He won't.
Just when I am trying to rebuild trust that he's not trying to hurt me and make life miserable for me.......
I don't know what to do. Switching vehicles is the best solution for me (although the truck is 10 yrs old and has its own mechanical problems). If he wants to default on the loan then fine. Not my problem. And yesterday, the engine starting acting funny and blue-ish smoke was coming out of the exhaust. Of course, this happens when the van is 10 miles away from the warranty expiring! The mechanic (on the phone) said it sounds like oil starvation produced engine sludge. Kia won't pay for it if it's owner neglect. Lovely. They want receipts of oil changes, etc. I'd have to have it towed to Kia to avoid going over the mileage. I'm supposed to take Josiah to meet his Dad halfway on Saturday for Spring Break. It's a Murphy's Law kind of day.
Just when I am trying to rebuild trust that he's not trying to hurt me and make life miserable for me.......
I don't know what to do. Switching vehicles is the best solution for me (although the truck is 10 yrs old and has its own mechanical problems). If he wants to default on the loan then fine. Not my problem. And yesterday, the engine starting acting funny and blue-ish smoke was coming out of the exhaust. Of course, this happens when the van is 10 miles away from the warranty expiring! The mechanic (on the phone) said it sounds like oil starvation produced engine sludge. Kia won't pay for it if it's owner neglect. Lovely. They want receipts of oil changes, etc. I'd have to have it towed to Kia to avoid going over the mileage. I'm supposed to take Josiah to meet his Dad halfway on Saturday for Spring Break. It's a Murphy's Law kind of day.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
observation
My friend made an observation when I was talking about how I'm getting mixed signals. They said that Clinton is through with the marriage but still wants the benefits. That sounds so simple and obvious but I had never thought of it that way. It makes sense.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
challenge
After texting with him yesterday, I realize that it is a good idea (and important) that I distance myself from him. If there is any chance of us starting over down the road, he needs to have a life without me in it for now. It feels like that is what he has wanted or thought that he has needed for a long time. Plus, I need to heal from his infidelities. These months that he is away at school provides a perfect opportunity before something permanent happens. Plus, I can't handle the mixed signals. It hinders my progress. So what this means for me is that I can't call him or contact him. If he calls here, it will be for talking to the kids. It is very difficult for me to have the willpower to not contact him, either via phone, text, myspace or email. He'll either realize he doesn't want to live without me or he'll feel so "free" that he'll wish he had left a long time ago.
So I've given myself a challenge with a reward at the end. :-) If I go a full 7 days without giving in and contacting him, then I will treat myself to a full body massage at the spa. I desperately need it and definitely deserve it. Seven days doesn't sound like long but it will be a big challenge for me especially when we have 4 kids. It's hard for me to keep from letting him know about stuff going on with them. But if he doesn't call to find out about his kids, well then maybe he doesn't care to know.
Anyway, hopefully this time next week, I will be very relaxed from my deep tissue massage. :-) Who knows....maybe, if I do well, I'll challenge myself to another 7 days and reward myself with a haircut or pedicure and so on and so forth. lol Hm, by the end of the school year, I'll feel like a new woman. :-) lol
So I've given myself a challenge with a reward at the end. :-) If I go a full 7 days without giving in and contacting him, then I will treat myself to a full body massage at the spa. I desperately need it and definitely deserve it. Seven days doesn't sound like long but it will be a big challenge for me especially when we have 4 kids. It's hard for me to keep from letting him know about stuff going on with them. But if he doesn't call to find out about his kids, well then maybe he doesn't care to know.
Anyway, hopefully this time next week, I will be very relaxed from my deep tissue massage. :-) Who knows....maybe, if I do well, I'll challenge myself to another 7 days and reward myself with a haircut or pedicure and so on and so forth. lol Hm, by the end of the school year, I'll feel like a new woman. :-) lol
reality check
Well, I guess I misread some things or he's in denial or a combination of both. We've been texting each other a lot (with unlimited texting, so much cheaper!) and I tell him that I'm starting to have a change of heart. He texts back: we are getting divorced. Ouch, stab in the heart, but okay. I write back: do you feel as strongly as you did before? He texts: the marriage wasn't healthy. Me: past tense, we need a new one then. Then no more texts from him until later. I tell him that I saw that girl and don't want that type of scenario to be a part of my life anymore so I need to move on. He says: Life isn't always some deep web of drama.
After a couple texts back and forth (including mine saying that I've been getting mixed signals from him), he says: I can see that I have to make greater attempts at distancing myself from you. Don't take it as rejection because then you become impossible to work with. That hit me hard because I took that as he has been pretending (and dang, he must be a very good actor if that is the case). When I say something, he says: that's right, I love you, goodbye (to end the conversation). I elaborate (because at this point I am crying and glad he can't see me) and then he says: you are wrong. whatever. don't be crazy. I am so confused but then I realize that I'm not the only one. I think he is very confused, too. I like to believe that he is thinking along the same lines as I am. We love each other, we enjoy each others company, we love our family life together with the kids.....BUT....neither one of us trusts the good times to last because when the bad times hit, oh my goodness, they can become near fatal. Neither one of us knows how to keep them from happening or rather how to handle them when they do happen without having things escalate to a dangerous, volatile level. We have been to so many different counselors over the years, secular and Christian. What else is there (in his mind)? I wonder if the counseling would be more effectual if we didn't go when things were really bad but rather when things are decent. Usually when we go, it's as a result of a hugemongous blow out and we are polarized and both very guarded. Maybe if we went BEFORE that happened.....I don't know.
I think a big difference between us is that I need more words. He needs more silence. I need to interact. He needs to avoid. I also think that, while I believe he truly loves me (in the way that he knows how), he doesn't care too much for marriage or possibly just doesn't know HOW to be a husband or function as a primary figure in a family. He likes to do his own thing and also likes a LOT of alone time. I don't think he understands the benefits of accountability. Marriage and family require way too much of himself for his comfort level, even though I know that he really loves this family. Of course, I say all this, tongue in cheek because really how I feel is - oh well, get over it, life's not fair, deal with your responsibilities and make the sacrifices.
I have decided to stay in Fayetteville when his school is over and he has to clear housing before going to his new duty station in GA. Josiah has 2 more years of high school and he is doing so well. Plus, he is very involved in the youth group with Chapel Next and we as a family are becoming more involved and making good friends. I spoke with his father and we both think it's not a good idea to mess with that. I'm not going to be moving back home to Baltimore. Instead I want to find somewhere to live in Josiah's school district. I think it will be easier to find a job and a place to live when I have to leave here if I'm already in the area. I have so many details on my mind about that big transition in general. If I let myself dwell on them, it becomes so overwhelming that it makes me want to shut down. I don't know how I am going to afford to live on my own with 4 kids. And how am I going to afford day care in the summer when the kids are out of school? Not to mention, just how am I supposed to rent somewhere when I don't have recent housing or job history? So much more but I don't want to think about it. I have to take things one day at a time and remember that I serve a God Who is known for coming through in the midnight hour.
I feel like I have such a burden, taking care of all of the needs of the kids by myself. I do it gladly but there are times where it becomes overwhelming and I lose confidence in my ability or I have a "mom moment" where I worry. Most of the time, I just handle things myself and don't turn to Clinton but sometimes, I just really need his strength. I need him to be there for me. And he rarely is. It hurts so deeply. Rarely do I ask him to be there for me in an area that solely concerns me. Most often it is in areas that solely involve the children. Okay, so he doesn't want to be a marriage partner with me but is it too much to ask that he be a more active parenting partner?
After a couple texts back and forth (including mine saying that I've been getting mixed signals from him), he says: I can see that I have to make greater attempts at distancing myself from you. Don't take it as rejection because then you become impossible to work with. That hit me hard because I took that as he has been pretending (and dang, he must be a very good actor if that is the case). When I say something, he says: that's right, I love you, goodbye (to end the conversation). I elaborate (because at this point I am crying and glad he can't see me) and then he says: you are wrong. whatever. don't be crazy. I am so confused but then I realize that I'm not the only one. I think he is very confused, too. I like to believe that he is thinking along the same lines as I am. We love each other, we enjoy each others company, we love our family life together with the kids.....BUT....neither one of us trusts the good times to last because when the bad times hit, oh my goodness, they can become near fatal. Neither one of us knows how to keep them from happening or rather how to handle them when they do happen without having things escalate to a dangerous, volatile level. We have been to so many different counselors over the years, secular and Christian. What else is there (in his mind)? I wonder if the counseling would be more effectual if we didn't go when things were really bad but rather when things are decent. Usually when we go, it's as a result of a hugemongous blow out and we are polarized and both very guarded. Maybe if we went BEFORE that happened.....I don't know.
I think a big difference between us is that I need more words. He needs more silence. I need to interact. He needs to avoid. I also think that, while I believe he truly loves me (in the way that he knows how), he doesn't care too much for marriage or possibly just doesn't know HOW to be a husband or function as a primary figure in a family. He likes to do his own thing and also likes a LOT of alone time. I don't think he understands the benefits of accountability. Marriage and family require way too much of himself for his comfort level, even though I know that he really loves this family. Of course, I say all this, tongue in cheek because really how I feel is - oh well, get over it, life's not fair, deal with your responsibilities and make the sacrifices.
I have decided to stay in Fayetteville when his school is over and he has to clear housing before going to his new duty station in GA. Josiah has 2 more years of high school and he is doing so well. Plus, he is very involved in the youth group with Chapel Next and we as a family are becoming more involved and making good friends. I spoke with his father and we both think it's not a good idea to mess with that. I'm not going to be moving back home to Baltimore. Instead I want to find somewhere to live in Josiah's school district. I think it will be easier to find a job and a place to live when I have to leave here if I'm already in the area. I have so many details on my mind about that big transition in general. If I let myself dwell on them, it becomes so overwhelming that it makes me want to shut down. I don't know how I am going to afford to live on my own with 4 kids. And how am I going to afford day care in the summer when the kids are out of school? Not to mention, just how am I supposed to rent somewhere when I don't have recent housing or job history? So much more but I don't want to think about it. I have to take things one day at a time and remember that I serve a God Who is known for coming through in the midnight hour.
I feel like I have such a burden, taking care of all of the needs of the kids by myself. I do it gladly but there are times where it becomes overwhelming and I lose confidence in my ability or I have a "mom moment" where I worry. Most of the time, I just handle things myself and don't turn to Clinton but sometimes, I just really need his strength. I need him to be there for me. And he rarely is. It hurts so deeply. Rarely do I ask him to be there for me in an area that solely concerns me. Most often it is in areas that solely involve the children. Okay, so he doesn't want to be a marriage partner with me but is it too much to ask that he be a more active parenting partner?
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