progress

There has been a lot of progress made this past month or so. Too much to list. In my heart, though, I'm still keeping a measure of distance because it could all go south over night. Sadly, that's how it goes around here. I think it has been good for him to be on his own, well he hasn't completely been on his own but he has been gaining some autonomy, which is a good thing. He was 18 when we fell in love and shortly after, there was instant family. I think there are some things he needs to be on his own for, and dare I say, areas he needs to grow in.

I'm hopeful that we are gaining tremendous ground in the areas that we had difficulty in as a couple, as far as communicating and relating to each other go. We are both standing on our own two feet a little steadier and not pulling the other down. I'm less frustrated with him because I see him taking responsibility for himself more. I feel that the tentacle-like hold of codependency is being cut, one item at a time. But even with all of this progress and with how we've been enjoying each other's company, etc., I still think it might come to the point where I will have to pass on reconciling our marriage. I want to be open to what God wants but I am feeling more drawn to pass it by than to grasping it. The sole reason is the situation of his affair with that girl rebecca. That relationship went beyond online flirting or cyber/phone sex with people far away that he met online. He specifically sought out someone local to meet and have a relationship with. She is married to a deployed soldier, too. Unbelievable that he would do that to a fellow soldier, not to mention that he would do that to me and to the kids. Worst of all, she is in my housing development. They both said that they thought the other was divorced but I read the instant messages and that is a flat-out lie. They both knew what they were doing.

Yeah, so I'm thinking that that's a deal breaker for me. I tried to rationalize the other women that he had extra-marital intimate relationships with over the years because they were online or the phone (not that that makes it much better but you'll tell yourself anything to try to keep a marriage together sometimes). But that relationship was above and beyond wrong. I had no idea that it was happening and that is probably what bothers me the most. It was willful. It wasn't like when he and I got together. We didn't seek each other out. We worked together, became close friends and then fell in love.

So as much as I love him and love the times we've had together lately and would love to keep our family together, it would literally take an act of God.

What I would need is the following:

1. complete repentance with remorse from him - none of this justifying and trying to sweep it under the rug like it wasn't that big a deal. I want him to call it what it is and OWN IT and truly feel sorry for what he did (yeah right like that's going to happen)
2. acknowledgment that he has a weakness in this area
3. accountability - which includes no private Myspace accounts or emails
   
4. counseling - one on one for him with say someone like Dr. Vaughn or anyone really but definitely one on one
   

We'll see what happens. While he is away at school, I plan on having limited contact with him and having that contact revolve around the kids. I felt a lot of love from him when he was leaving and when he came back for a surprise visit last weekend. But I feel that now is a crucial time for him (before things are permanently altered) to see what life is truly like without me and the kids in it the way we have been. I believe he needs to see what life is truly like without me to love and love him back. I have no intentions of being his buddy or f#$% buddy or anything like that. Once the divorce is final, there will be no turning back and I WILL NOT look out for him or take care of him or flirt with him or anything like that. He needs to be certain that that is what he wants....life without me. I know that he wishes he could still be with the kids everyday but when he moves to his new duty station, it'll become primarily holidays that he'll see them because he'll be in another state.