so glad

The more I think about it, the more excited I am about putting this farce of a marriage in the past as a distant memory. One friend put it well, I got the best of him in the 3 children we made together. The rest of him is just crap....rude, deceitful, self-focused, unfaithful, immoral crap. This last affair was the deal breaker for me. I know the others should have been but I told myself that because they were online or on the phone and not in person, that we could get past it. Except for the ones in Alaska when we were separated. Those were horrible. But I told myself that it was because we were separated and that it would be different when we started over. As far as I know, there haven't been any other physical relationships since Alaska....until November. This one was too calculated. It was while we were still together, no talk of divorce or anything like that. I don't know where he found her but it turns out she lives in my neighborhood. I had bad vibes but couldn't figure it out because he wasn't going out at night for any length of time. That's because he was having her come to his work, to the empty Bravo Btry building. So, great, I have to worry even if he goes to work. Lovely. He was coming home from work like normal, doing the family thing, making love to me at night.....but had someone on the side. He'd hook up with her online at night when I thought he was sleeping on the couch because of his back (she wasn't the only one he was getting with online, just the only one I KNOW ABOUT that he hooked up in person with). They were planning an overnighter but I don't know if it happened. Probably. I found the transcripts from some of their chats. Disgusting stuff. I thought I was going to throw up. They were even on MY laptop.....the one he bought for me, the one our kids use. Even more disgusting.

I decided to forgive him for the past affairs and to not throw them in his face anymore. But I'm having trouble getting past this one. She knew he was married. He knew she was married. It all makes me sick. They both lied so much when confronted and their stories didn't match up.

Someday I will have to forgive him....for my sake. But right now, it helps to not forget because it propels me forward to be free of him and not to fall for his lies anymore. This past one, well there's no semblance of rationalization to be made. It was wrong and he will pay for it. I'm going to let God handle this one. His vengeance and wrath is much worse than anything I could come up with. I'm so glad I came to my senses this week. I know it is because of all the prayers being put out for me and our family. Last week, when we got back from PA, I was really enjoying his company and thought I might be falling in love with him again. But I was in denial about the severity of what he did when he was living in this marriage. It's a deal breaker for sure. I was worried about what God wanted me to do with the marriage but my friend reminded me that adultery is grounds for divorce according to the Bible. I can walk away with a clear conscience.

conditions

Thinking about conditions to reconciliation (I'm sure he has his for me but these are ones I'm thinking of for him).

1. full medical/psych eval for him - for depression, bipolar disorder or whatever the problem is (including taking meds)
   
2. internet accountability
3. individual counseling for him - need to get to the bottom of why he continuously seeks out new relationships on the internet and that go beyond the internet to the phone and to seeking out women locally
4. couples counseling with a chaplain - need to figure out how to speak each other's language and hone our communication skills
5. must work together with the money and bills
6. must show interest in me as a woman, not just in the bedroom - I want romanced
7. must actively partner with me in this family and household - not do all the housework or all the childcare or anything like that but PARTNER with me - share the load, divide up responsibilities more evenly, yes, taking into consideration that he has another job that he goes to all day
8. must be more involved with family time and the children's activities
9. no female friends that are not mutual friends and no excessive amounts of time spent with even the mutual friends (and definitely no alone time behind closed doors)- if he has a female friend that is not a mutual friend (ie: someone he plays online games with), then he cannot "hide" her from me and I need to be able to talk to her if I wanted to (which is unlikely that I will want to unless he starts acting secretive)
10. must have each other's email passwords
11. must be on his Myspace friends list
12. attend chapel as a family
13. must have access to cell phone call records

These are just some things off the top of my head. I'll probably add to this list later. As we are starting to spend more time together this week and getting along well, I have to be careful to not be led by my heart. I have to keep my goals in mind for the sake of my family's well being. I don't think he is even considering calling off the divorce but in the event that he does, I need to have my boundaries and high standards written down. We have been through too much as a family and I absolutely do not want to go back to the way it was. If these conditions can't be met, then I will gladly move on without him. I cannot settle for less.

guidance needed

Lord, I need guidance and direction. My guard is down and I'm starting to feel like I'm falling in love with him again. I don't want to be naive but I also don't want to miss what You have for me. I truly believe that this is a process and a journey through this separation. I believe that this time apart is working good things in both of us, whether we get back together or not.