so glad

The more I think about it, the more excited I am about putting this farce of a marriage in the past as a distant memory. One friend put it well, I got the best of him in the 3 children we made together. The rest of him is just crap....rude, deceitful, self-focused, unfaithful, immoral crap. This last affair was the deal breaker for me. I know the others should have been but I told myself that because they were online or on the phone and not in person, that we could get past it. Except for the ones in Alaska when we were separated. Those were horrible. But I told myself that it was because we were separated and that it would be different when we started over. As far as I know, there haven't been any other physical relationships since Alaska....until November. This one was too calculated. It was while we were still together, no talk of divorce or anything like that. I don't know where he found her but it turns out she lives in my neighborhood. I had bad vibes but couldn't figure it out because he wasn't going out at night for any length of time. That's because he was having her come to his work, to the empty Bravo Btry building. So, great, I have to worry even if he goes to work. Lovely. He was coming home from work like normal, doing the family thing, making love to me at night.....but had someone on the side. He'd hook up with her online at night when I thought he was sleeping on the couch because of his back (she wasn't the only one he was getting with online, just the only one I KNOW ABOUT that he hooked up in person with). They were planning an overnighter but I don't know if it happened. Probably. I found the transcripts from some of their chats. Disgusting stuff. I thought I was going to throw up. They were even on MY laptop.....the one he bought for me, the one our kids use. Even more disgusting.

I decided to forgive him for the past affairs and to not throw them in his face anymore. But I'm having trouble getting past this one. She knew he was married. He knew she was married. It all makes me sick. They both lied so much when confronted and their stories didn't match up.

Someday I will have to forgive him....for my sake. But right now, it helps to not forget because it propels me forward to be free of him and not to fall for his lies anymore. This past one, well there's no semblance of rationalization to be made. It was wrong and he will pay for it. I'm going to let God handle this one. His vengeance and wrath is much worse than anything I could come up with. I'm so glad I came to my senses this week. I know it is because of all the prayers being put out for me and our family. Last week, when we got back from PA, I was really enjoying his company and thought I might be falling in love with him again. But I was in denial about the severity of what he did when he was living in this marriage. It's a deal breaker for sure. I was worried about what God wanted me to do with the marriage but my friend reminded me that adultery is grounds for divorce according to the Bible. I can walk away with a clear conscience.