progress

There has been a lot of progress made this past month or so. Too much to list. In my heart, though, I'm still keeping a measure of distance because it could all go south over night. Sadly, that's how it goes around here. I think it has been good for him to be on his own, well he hasn't completely been on his own but he has been gaining some autonomy, which is a good thing. He was 18 when we fell in love and shortly after, there was instant family. I think there are some things he needs to be on his own for, and dare I say, areas he needs to grow in.

I'm hopeful that we are gaining tremendous ground in the areas that we had difficulty in as a couple, as far as communicating and relating to each other go. We are both standing on our own two feet a little steadier and not pulling the other down. I'm less frustrated with him because I see him taking responsibility for himself more. I feel that the tentacle-like hold of codependency is being cut, one item at a time. But even with all of this progress and with how we've been enjoying each other's company, etc., I still think it might come to the point where I will have to pass on reconciling our marriage. I want to be open to what God wants but I am feeling more drawn to pass it by than to grasping it. The sole reason is the situation of his affair with that girl rebecca. That relationship went beyond online flirting or cyber/phone sex with people far away that he met online. He specifically sought out someone local to meet and have a relationship with. She is married to a deployed soldier, too. Unbelievable that he would do that to a fellow soldier, not to mention that he would do that to me and to the kids. Worst of all, she is in my housing development. They both said that they thought the other was divorced but I read the instant messages and that is a flat-out lie. They both knew what they were doing.

Yeah, so I'm thinking that that's a deal breaker for me. I tried to rationalize the other women that he had extra-marital intimate relationships with over the years because they were online or the phone (not that that makes it much better but you'll tell yourself anything to try to keep a marriage together sometimes). But that relationship was above and beyond wrong. I had no idea that it was happening and that is probably what bothers me the most. It was willful. It wasn't like when he and I got together. We didn't seek each other out. We worked together, became close friends and then fell in love.

So as much as I love him and love the times we've had together lately and would love to keep our family together, it would literally take an act of God.

What I would need is the following:

1. complete repentance with remorse from him - none of this justifying and trying to sweep it under the rug like it wasn't that big a deal. I want him to call it what it is and OWN IT and truly feel sorry for what he did (yeah right like that's going to happen)
2. acknowledgment that he has a weakness in this area
3. accountability - which includes no private Myspace accounts or emails
   
4. counseling - one on one for him with say someone like Dr. Vaughn or anyone really but definitely one on one
   

We'll see what happens. While he is away at school, I plan on having limited contact with him and having that contact revolve around the kids. I felt a lot of love from him when he was leaving and when he came back for a surprise visit last weekend. But I feel that now is a crucial time for him (before things are permanently altered) to see what life is truly like without me and the kids in it the way we have been. I believe he needs to see what life is truly like without me to love and love him back. I have no intentions of being his buddy or f#$% buddy or anything like that. Once the divorce is final, there will be no turning back and I WILL NOT look out for him or take care of him or flirt with him or anything like that. He needs to be certain that that is what he wants....life without me. I know that he wishes he could still be with the kids everyday but when he moves to his new duty station, it'll become primarily holidays that he'll see them because he'll be in another state.

confused

So many different emotions and thoughts these past couple of weeks. Not sure what to do with them. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, trying to discern what direction to head in. I get mixed messages from him. I love him. He says he loves me. When we lay naked in bed wrapped in each others arms in a sleepy, cozy embrace...all feels right with my world. It feels like the place I was born to be in.

so glad

The more I think about it, the more excited I am about putting this farce of a marriage in the past as a distant memory. One friend put it well, I got the best of him in the 3 children we made together. The rest of him is just crap....rude, deceitful, self-focused, unfaithful, immoral crap. This last affair was the deal breaker for me. I know the others should have been but I told myself that because they were online or on the phone and not in person, that we could get past it. Except for the ones in Alaska when we were separated. Those were horrible. But I told myself that it was because we were separated and that it would be different when we started over. As far as I know, there haven't been any other physical relationships since Alaska....until November. This one was too calculated. It was while we were still together, no talk of divorce or anything like that. I don't know where he found her but it turns out she lives in my neighborhood. I had bad vibes but couldn't figure it out because he wasn't going out at night for any length of time. That's because he was having her come to his work, to the empty Bravo Btry building. So, great, I have to worry even if he goes to work. Lovely. He was coming home from work like normal, doing the family thing, making love to me at night.....but had someone on the side. He'd hook up with her online at night when I thought he was sleeping on the couch because of his back (she wasn't the only one he was getting with online, just the only one I KNOW ABOUT that he hooked up in person with). They were planning an overnighter but I don't know if it happened. Probably. I found the transcripts from some of their chats. Disgusting stuff. I thought I was going to throw up. They were even on MY laptop.....the one he bought for me, the one our kids use. Even more disgusting.

I decided to forgive him for the past affairs and to not throw them in his face anymore. But I'm having trouble getting past this one. She knew he was married. He knew she was married. It all makes me sick. They both lied so much when confronted and their stories didn't match up.

Someday I will have to forgive him....for my sake. But right now, it helps to not forget because it propels me forward to be free of him and not to fall for his lies anymore. This past one, well there's no semblance of rationalization to be made. It was wrong and he will pay for it. I'm going to let God handle this one. His vengeance and wrath is much worse than anything I could come up with. I'm so glad I came to my senses this week. I know it is because of all the prayers being put out for me and our family. Last week, when we got back from PA, I was really enjoying his company and thought I might be falling in love with him again. But I was in denial about the severity of what he did when he was living in this marriage. It's a deal breaker for sure. I was worried about what God wanted me to do with the marriage but my friend reminded me that adultery is grounds for divorce according to the Bible. I can walk away with a clear conscience.

conditions

Thinking about conditions to reconciliation (I'm sure he has his for me but these are ones I'm thinking of for him).

1. full medical/psych eval for him - for depression, bipolar disorder or whatever the problem is (including taking meds)
   
2. internet accountability
3. individual counseling for him - need to get to the bottom of why he continuously seeks out new relationships on the internet and that go beyond the internet to the phone and to seeking out women locally
4. couples counseling with a chaplain - need to figure out how to speak each other's language and hone our communication skills
5. must work together with the money and bills
6. must show interest in me as a woman, not just in the bedroom - I want romanced
7. must actively partner with me in this family and household - not do all the housework or all the childcare or anything like that but PARTNER with me - share the load, divide up responsibilities more evenly, yes, taking into consideration that he has another job that he goes to all day
8. must be more involved with family time and the children's activities
9. no female friends that are not mutual friends and no excessive amounts of time spent with even the mutual friends (and definitely no alone time behind closed doors)- if he has a female friend that is not a mutual friend (ie: someone he plays online games with), then he cannot "hide" her from me and I need to be able to talk to her if I wanted to (which is unlikely that I will want to unless he starts acting secretive)
10. must have each other's email passwords
11. must be on his Myspace friends list
12. attend chapel as a family
13. must have access to cell phone call records

These are just some things off the top of my head. I'll probably add to this list later. As we are starting to spend more time together this week and getting along well, I have to be careful to not be led by my heart. I have to keep my goals in mind for the sake of my family's well being. I don't think he is even considering calling off the divorce but in the event that he does, I need to have my boundaries and high standards written down. We have been through too much as a family and I absolutely do not want to go back to the way it was. If these conditions can't be met, then I will gladly move on without him. I cannot settle for less.

guidance needed

Lord, I need guidance and direction. My guard is down and I'm starting to feel like I'm falling in love with him again. I don't want to be naive but I also don't want to miss what You have for me. I truly believe that this is a process and a journey through this separation. I believe that this time apart is working good things in both of us, whether we get back together or not.

a breakthrough last night but I'm still confused.

I've been hanging out at Dr Phil's website. Man, I wish he could talk with us. I'm laughing at what he said to a husband who just wasn't getting his wife: "Did you fall out of the dumb tree and hit every branch on the way down??" Classic. :-)