Saturday, December 1, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
I'm going to get through this, right, God? My heart feels broken in a million pieces, my head is pounding, I haven't been able to eat for days, I can't stop crying and I feel like my chest is caving in. The pain of rejection and missing him will go away, right? please, God.... It's so hard to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. How can it be so and how long has it been since he loved me?
I know that he doesn't want me anymore and he's moved on in his heart. I have to accept that. But it hurts sooo badly. I haven't been able to eat for 2 days. I guess that's why they call it the "divorce diet". I think he "left me" a long, long time ago so this is easier for him. Not so much for me.
I just wish he would spend time with the kids or at least call them or something. That's just not like him. He loves his kids.
I just wish he would spend time with the kids or at least call them or something. That's just not like him. He loves his kids.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
sad
My previous post painted a dark picture of him. I'm very hurt. It's hard to see the positive. But after talking to Nola and previously Jillian, I started remembering things about him that I adore, admire, respect. It made me ache all over again, physically ache. I think what he is trying to get the strength to get away from is the codependency of this relationship. I think he's known for a long time that he needed to do this. He picked a time when I seemed strong enough to handle it. I don't know. But I really don't think waiting until after the holidays would've hurt, though. I know that the divorce needs to happen and that I have to be strong but it is hard.
Yes, there is the factor of the addiction to starting relationships on the internet that is a violation of our covenant. I realize that I have had so much resentment over the years towards him for this. When I look back, I realize that it poisoned most good thoughts. No matter what he did, it was difficult to be satisfied with him. The memory of all the times (and man, there were many) he cheated on me was like a wall in my heart that prevented me from truly wanting him or admiring him or respecting him. I know that this addiction is his problem and not mine. But I know that I have hurt him, physically, whenever I would allow my frustration to push me past my own personal boundaries. Being hit is one thing he absolutely could not tolerate (even if he was pushing me or backing me to a wall and I saw it as protecting myself). His brother told me that he was hit a lot when he was a child. I feel horrible for each time although I know that I was turning to a survival tactic leftover from my own childhood.....protect myself at any cost and to swing hard and fast (even if it was only a perceived threat).
Maybe this would have been easier to deal with if we had been having a bad fight. But we weren't. I really miss him.
Yes, there is the factor of the addiction to starting relationships on the internet that is a violation of our covenant. I realize that I have had so much resentment over the years towards him for this. When I look back, I realize that it poisoned most good thoughts. No matter what he did, it was difficult to be satisfied with him. The memory of all the times (and man, there were many) he cheated on me was like a wall in my heart that prevented me from truly wanting him or admiring him or respecting him. I know that this addiction is his problem and not mine. But I know that I have hurt him, physically, whenever I would allow my frustration to push me past my own personal boundaries. Being hit is one thing he absolutely could not tolerate (even if he was pushing me or backing me to a wall and I saw it as protecting myself). His brother told me that he was hit a lot when he was a child. I feel horrible for each time although I know that I was turning to a survival tactic leftover from my own childhood.....protect myself at any cost and to swing hard and fast (even if it was only a perceived threat).
Maybe this would have been easier to deal with if we had been having a bad fight. But we weren't. I really miss him.
help me, Lord
I found a text document that "she" had sent to him. Sick, cheesy porn of a fantasy of them doing something together. I also found the photo he used in his My Space. It's titled "Me Again". How long has this been going on?? What really makes me mad is that this stuff was on MY laptop! He used MY laptop to take pictures of himself (clothed) to send to "her" (or more, I don't know how many there are) and he saved that nasty description on the desktop where Josiah could see because he used that profile when he and Clint were playing games together.
This is the very laptop that he lovingly picked out for me and gave to me as a gift. He is so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm going to puke. This has happened soooo many times but each time is like a kick in the stomach that makes me shaky. I know that he has a sickness but I also know that I don't have to keep being tortured by it. I have to file for divorce. I can't live with this anymore. Barring a Damascus Road experience for him, I have to move on with what little feminine dignity I have left. I know that there are better things in life for me. Most importantly, my children need a "whole" mommy that isn't being handicapped by emotional torment.
Help me, Lord, to get through this. Give me the strength to watch and work and sing and pray because "who have I in Heaven but You Lord and what power can I hope to find down here on earth". You are my One Thing. Help me keep my focus on that and I know that the rest will fall into place.
It was this time of year (Thanksgiving, going into the first week of December) in 1998 that he decided to take our friendship into forbidden territory by pouring on the charm and seduction. I know that I allowed it to happen but when I look back on that time frame, I see how craftily he seduced me. And I mean SEDUCED in the strongest, most sinister form of the word.....like a subtle, hissing, seductive serpent.
To this day, I remember a dream that I had that first week after he kissed me the first time (on Dec 3). I was sitting, cross legged, in an overstuffed chair in front of a tv with a large paint bucket on the floor in front of me. In the bucket was a large venomous snake, speaking to me and moving around. In the dream, I referred to the snake as Clinton. Behind me was all of my loved ones, friends and family (I look back now and it reminds me of the Verizon phone commercials with the "network" behind them). I remember having to sit very still because if I moved suddenly away, the snake was going to strike. Someone behind me was whispering to me to be still and that they were going to try to reach and pull me away quickly. I was saying no because I wouldn't make it.
I woke up feeling very sick. Here I was, an active church goer and participant, with a whole network of godly friends, working in Denny's and falling for an 18 yr old loner. What the heck was I thinking?? My friends and family were so shocked because it was so out of character for me. But there was a void in me that allowed it to happen.
I think that the little seduction game that Clinton has played out over and over again with a whole slew of women started out with me but just went too far for him. I got pregnant with Olivia and he convinced himself that he was in love with me to try to become a "good person". He thought being with me would help him escape his demons and make his life right. He once told me (in Alaska when I was going to move back to PA with the kids because of this very behavior) that he didn't like who he was without me. That he felt empty inside.
But he couldn't run away from who his true self. He needs deliverance and until he gets it, that demon in him will continue to jump up and grab him by the throat, no matter how he tries to tame his outer man, and it will harm anyone in its wake....namely those who love Clinton and want to fight to bring him into the light and into the wholesomeness, godliness of a good family. He needs a whole transformation. He needs Jesus to do an extreme makeover. He thinks that he has a relationship with the Lord but his aversion of anything Christian that involves an outward action from him, he avoids.
I know that he is not totally evil, Lord, but I do know that there is something in him that will destroy me further if I don't get away from it. It is so crystal clear to me now. Again, Lord, I repent for the things I've done. Please transform my husband. Even when he is not my husband anymore, he will alway be my children's father. And I do love him.
This is the very laptop that he lovingly picked out for me and gave to me as a gift. He is so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm going to puke. This has happened soooo many times but each time is like a kick in the stomach that makes me shaky. I know that he has a sickness but I also know that I don't have to keep being tortured by it. I have to file for divorce. I can't live with this anymore. Barring a Damascus Road experience for him, I have to move on with what little feminine dignity I have left. I know that there are better things in life for me. Most importantly, my children need a "whole" mommy that isn't being handicapped by emotional torment.
Help me, Lord, to get through this. Give me the strength to watch and work and sing and pray because "who have I in Heaven but You Lord and what power can I hope to find down here on earth". You are my One Thing. Help me keep my focus on that and I know that the rest will fall into place.
It was this time of year (Thanksgiving, going into the first week of December) in 1998 that he decided to take our friendship into forbidden territory by pouring on the charm and seduction. I know that I allowed it to happen but when I look back on that time frame, I see how craftily he seduced me. And I mean SEDUCED in the strongest, most sinister form of the word.....like a subtle, hissing, seductive serpent.
To this day, I remember a dream that I had that first week after he kissed me the first time (on Dec 3). I was sitting, cross legged, in an overstuffed chair in front of a tv with a large paint bucket on the floor in front of me. In the bucket was a large venomous snake, speaking to me and moving around. In the dream, I referred to the snake as Clinton. Behind me was all of my loved ones, friends and family (I look back now and it reminds me of the Verizon phone commercials with the "network" behind them). I remember having to sit very still because if I moved suddenly away, the snake was going to strike. Someone behind me was whispering to me to be still and that they were going to try to reach and pull me away quickly. I was saying no because I wouldn't make it.
I woke up feeling very sick. Here I was, an active church goer and participant, with a whole network of godly friends, working in Denny's and falling for an 18 yr old loner. What the heck was I thinking?? My friends and family were so shocked because it was so out of character for me. But there was a void in me that allowed it to happen.
I think that the little seduction game that Clinton has played out over and over again with a whole slew of women started out with me but just went too far for him. I got pregnant with Olivia and he convinced himself that he was in love with me to try to become a "good person". He thought being with me would help him escape his demons and make his life right. He once told me (in Alaska when I was going to move back to PA with the kids because of this very behavior) that he didn't like who he was without me. That he felt empty inside.
But he couldn't run away from who his true self. He needs deliverance and until he gets it, that demon in him will continue to jump up and grab him by the throat, no matter how he tries to tame his outer man, and it will harm anyone in its wake....namely those who love Clinton and want to fight to bring him into the light and into the wholesomeness, godliness of a good family. He needs a whole transformation. He needs Jesus to do an extreme makeover. He thinks that he has a relationship with the Lord but his aversion of anything Christian that involves an outward action from him, he avoids.
I know that he is not totally evil, Lord, but I do know that there is something in him that will destroy me further if I don't get away from it. It is so crystal clear to me now. Again, Lord, I repent for the things I've done. Please transform my husband. Even when he is not my husband anymore, he will alway be my children's father. And I do love him.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
the nerve!
He hasn't called his children or come to see them for two days and he has the audacity to just pop in right now and pick up some computer parts, say bye to them and leave! He is so going to hell for his neglect.
no more excuses
I have to ask myself: Am I better off without him or with him? I think that answer is obvious. I am more myself and at peace when he is not around. It takes too much psychology to go through day to day living with him. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing when the "other shoe is going to drop". Not sure if I'll walk in to a devil or angel.
I can't make excuses for his behavior. I can't say, "if this..." or "but that...". I have to think about who he is right now, not who I want him to be. I think that is where a lot of the conflict has come into play. I keep expecting him to have more of the traits of the kind of man I want and admire and he just isn't doing it. Then I get frustrated because I think, well, if he loved me, then he would be this kind of person and do these kinds of things that I want.
I am not the kind of woman he says I am when he's mad....mean, controlling, abusive, stupid, etc......I am a woman who has been beaten down emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This marriage has brought out the worst in me rather than the best, frequently. I have had to repent for my temper too many times. I've been made to feel that I am overly jealous and suspicious. In fact, although woman would fall over for George when we were married because of his looks, I never had a jealousy problem. Ever. Because George sought the Lord and put God's Word as his standard for living. I never had to worry about George cheating on me. He may not have liked me half the time or thought I was the kind of wife he wanted but He honored our covenant with God and wouldn't stray from that. Every time that I can remember, with Clint, that I have had a "vibe" that there is another woman in my "space", there most certainly has been. And there have been TONS. Even back to when we were dating, he had an internet relationship problem. I would get into his email acct and find things I didn't like. When we got married, I wouldn't let him get a computer because of how bad it had been. But it didn't matter, his friends had computers and he would find women on them. Some he would meet in person (in Alaska). I just made excuses for him but here he is at 27 years old now and he still hasn't matured past his teen years. There are many people who get into similar circumstances (a family at a young age) and there are problems but most people I know grow up. Not him. He's stuck in a time warp. That is no excuse, though. I can't let him continue to destroy me and the children and this family. He can go doing his growing up somewhere else. He's not taking this family down with him. We deserve better. I deserve better.
I feel relieved that we are getting divorced. It is bittersweet, though. I love him very much but there is only room for one woman in this marriage but unfortunately, there have been way too many and no matter what happens, he keeps seeking new ones. That is not the only reason I feel relieved. I don't like the character that comes out in me. I don't like it when I lose my temper. I want to be more accepting but there are things that just don't jive with how I view family dynamics or in what I want out of a relationship. I've gone a long time just accepting that it is the way it is and there's no changing. I've gone a long time thinking that what I want is not important.
It is Wed. afternoon and he hasn't come by or called to check on the kids for 2 days. It really hurts them and really pisses me off.
I can't make excuses for his behavior. I can't say, "if this..." or "but that...". I have to think about who he is right now, not who I want him to be. I think that is where a lot of the conflict has come into play. I keep expecting him to have more of the traits of the kind of man I want and admire and he just isn't doing it. Then I get frustrated because I think, well, if he loved me, then he would be this kind of person and do these kinds of things that I want.
I am not the kind of woman he says I am when he's mad....mean, controlling, abusive, stupid, etc......I am a woman who has been beaten down emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This marriage has brought out the worst in me rather than the best, frequently. I have had to repent for my temper too many times. I've been made to feel that I am overly jealous and suspicious. In fact, although woman would fall over for George when we were married because of his looks, I never had a jealousy problem. Ever. Because George sought the Lord and put God's Word as his standard for living. I never had to worry about George cheating on me. He may not have liked me half the time or thought I was the kind of wife he wanted but He honored our covenant with God and wouldn't stray from that. Every time that I can remember, with Clint, that I have had a "vibe" that there is another woman in my "space", there most certainly has been. And there have been TONS. Even back to when we were dating, he had an internet relationship problem. I would get into his email acct and find things I didn't like. When we got married, I wouldn't let him get a computer because of how bad it had been. But it didn't matter, his friends had computers and he would find women on them. Some he would meet in person (in Alaska). I just made excuses for him but here he is at 27 years old now and he still hasn't matured past his teen years. There are many people who get into similar circumstances (a family at a young age) and there are problems but most people I know grow up. Not him. He's stuck in a time warp. That is no excuse, though. I can't let him continue to destroy me and the children and this family. He can go doing his growing up somewhere else. He's not taking this family down with him. We deserve better. I deserve better.
I feel relieved that we are getting divorced. It is bittersweet, though. I love him very much but there is only room for one woman in this marriage but unfortunately, there have been way too many and no matter what happens, he keeps seeking new ones. That is not the only reason I feel relieved. I don't like the character that comes out in me. I don't like it when I lose my temper. I want to be more accepting but there are things that just don't jive with how I view family dynamics or in what I want out of a relationship. I've gone a long time just accepting that it is the way it is and there's no changing. I've gone a long time thinking that what I want is not important.
It is Wed. afternoon and he hasn't come by or called to check on the kids for 2 days. It really hurts them and really pisses me off.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
sad but gaining strength
He's still gone. I have a strange mix of sadness and relief mixed with hope. Odd. I think this time next year, I will feel better. It's just that I know that the transition time is going to be a hard one to navigate. There is a tremendous responsibility on me to do as much damage control for the children. I have to tell myself that I can collapse a year from now when we are through to the other side but for now, I must be as strong as I can possibly be. I must cry in private and I must keep things going as normal....schedules, family time, etc.
Just checked the LES. The net pay is $33.73. Lovely government debts. How can they be so heartless. I am going to call the chaplain and see if he will put my kids on a toys for tots list or something. It breaks my heart to hear them watching tv saying, ooh, I want that for Christmas, Mommy. I just smile but inside my heart is breaking.
Just checked the LES. The net pay is $33.73. Lovely government debts. How can they be so heartless. I am going to call the chaplain and see if he will put my kids on a toys for tots list or something. It breaks my heart to hear them watching tv saying, ooh, I want that for Christmas, Mommy. I just smile but inside my heart is breaking.
Monday, November 26, 2007
here we go again
out of the blue, he says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and he wants a divorce. he was calm when he said it and seemed very sure of himself. we've been getting along pretty well, just enjoyed a good thanksgiving and visit with my sisters. had a small argument yesterday but nothing earth shattering. we both said some things and I told him that if he couldn't adjust his attitude that he needed to leave. I tried everything to communicate with him and find out why he was mad but he wouldn't let me in. finally, I had had enough and told him to leave. he grabbed the car keys and I asked for them back, removing the house key. I told him that if he was going to leave and go wherever it is he goes, that I didn't want him coming back in this house. he packed a suitcase and left. then he said all that stuff today. no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. then he packed more stuff. so I helped him by packing his stuff, too. he said he doesn't have much storage, then complained how cold it is where he has to sleep (supposedly at the Battery). yeah right. he was too obvious.
he started a myspace acct recently that he keeps private. he also changed the password on his email acct. I've walked in while he's on chat boards and sometimes he closes the window. I've told him that I want to see his myspace page but he refuses. he said he wasn't doing anything wrong but that I would be mad at what I saw. I know he's doing it again. he's so freaking predictable. too many things are adding up especially when he starts shutting me out.
I went to pick up Josiah from driver's ed tonight then went (with all the kids) to the Bible study at the Chapel. we're studying Titus 2 in a book called, Feminine Appeal. it's a good book. I had the ladies pray for this situation. I want to do what is best for my children. with Josiah being in high school and having his first girlfriend (and from a mother's point of view, she's a rare find, she has it all, I really like her.....surprisingly for me. lol), I want to tread delicately. I don't want to stay in the fayetteville area. I want to go back home to my family for support. Not sure how I'll support us. I'll definitely go for the full child support. I am being forced out of my "job" as a stay at home mother and it will adversely affect my children's quality of living. They will not only be losing the constant presence and involvement of one parent but of both parents, as well. Yeah, I think I hate him for that. He leaves for school in Feb until July. I hope we can stay in this house until the school year is over but I don't know if I can handle being around him acting like this, knowing how wrong and confused he is and especially if he's seeing someone.
When we got home, he was gone. I had asked if I needed to drop him off anywhere and he said he'd walk (with 2 bags full of clothes in the pouring down rain?). I suspect he had someone come pick him up and my gut fears it was a female.
When we walked in and Livvy saw that he wasn't here, she cried and said, Mommy I miss Daddy. Liam is having trouble at night and both had trouble in school today. I hate what he's doing to the kids. But as for me? I feel a strange sense of relief. I love him but I hate the mood swings and uncertainty. I am convinced that he has bipolar disorder or something similar.
he started a myspace acct recently that he keeps private. he also changed the password on his email acct. I've walked in while he's on chat boards and sometimes he closes the window. I've told him that I want to see his myspace page but he refuses. he said he wasn't doing anything wrong but that I would be mad at what I saw. I know he's doing it again. he's so freaking predictable. too many things are adding up especially when he starts shutting me out.
I went to pick up Josiah from driver's ed tonight then went (with all the kids) to the Bible study at the Chapel. we're studying Titus 2 in a book called, Feminine Appeal. it's a good book. I had the ladies pray for this situation. I want to do what is best for my children. with Josiah being in high school and having his first girlfriend (and from a mother's point of view, she's a rare find, she has it all, I really like her.....surprisingly for me. lol), I want to tread delicately. I don't want to stay in the fayetteville area. I want to go back home to my family for support. Not sure how I'll support us. I'll definitely go for the full child support. I am being forced out of my "job" as a stay at home mother and it will adversely affect my children's quality of living. They will not only be losing the constant presence and involvement of one parent but of both parents, as well. Yeah, I think I hate him for that. He leaves for school in Feb until July. I hope we can stay in this house until the school year is over but I don't know if I can handle being around him acting like this, knowing how wrong and confused he is and especially if he's seeing someone.
When we got home, he was gone. I had asked if I needed to drop him off anywhere and he said he'd walk (with 2 bags full of clothes in the pouring down rain?). I suspect he had someone come pick him up and my gut fears it was a female.
When we walked in and Livvy saw that he wasn't here, she cried and said, Mommy I miss Daddy. Liam is having trouble at night and both had trouble in school today. I hate what he's doing to the kids. But as for me? I feel a strange sense of relief. I love him but I hate the mood swings and uncertainty. I am convinced that he has bipolar disorder or something similar.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
posibility unknown
i want to fall in love with my husband again. i want to let go of the resentments that keep me from admiring him. i want to stop expecting for him to only f@#$ up and start seeing the things he does right. i want that giddy feeling again sometimes like in the beginning. i want him to be in love with me, too. we both stay because of the kids. we hate the marriage. but how sad is it to live out our days without the life-enhancing effervescence of being in love. i hate this time of year....the jewelry ads, the romantic movies. it would be nice to have someone in my life (besides my kids!) who wanted to do special things for me or make me happy or view me as a woman, as a beautiful creation.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
crisis averted
Someone's been praying. I can feel it. A complete about face has happened. God made a way where there wasn't a way. We had a long talk (& cry) last night. Each talking about what the past couple of months has been like for us and this time we really spoke from the heart and really listened to each other. We have been under so much stress for a few months now that we chose our own individual ways of coping and leaving each other out. I told him how sometimes I want to just go to the kids at night and hold them because I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up in the morning. He said that was how he was feeling about me.....worried about me, just wanting to hold me. But holding usually leads to sex and I was so offish about sex that I wasn't letting him even touch me.
I've been like a woman on a mission. Afraid that I was running out of time. Trying to do everything I could and be totally absorbed in my kids lives. I didn't really take the time to think about what he was feeling.
In chapel today, the sermon was on forgiveness. It was an amazing teaching......and timely! He talked about how bitterness (from unforgiveness), if left alone and not taken care of, multiplies, and can form deep roots that can grow into each other and become so hard to untangle.
We're not out of the woods yet but the difference between yesterday and today is a big contrast. We spent this afternoon as a family at the horse stable for a birthday party. The kids played with friends from Liam's class and rode ponies. I took pictures for the family and we mingled with the other couples. It was a gorgeous day and was especially nice being together.
We decided that today starts a new chapter. Keep praying.....whoever you are (Ang? :-) )
*Thank you, Joy, for being there for me last night. I love ya, girl!
I've been like a woman on a mission. Afraid that I was running out of time. Trying to do everything I could and be totally absorbed in my kids lives. I didn't really take the time to think about what he was feeling.
In chapel today, the sermon was on forgiveness. It was an amazing teaching......and timely! He talked about how bitterness (from unforgiveness), if left alone and not taken care of, multiplies, and can form deep roots that can grow into each other and become so hard to untangle.
We're not out of the woods yet but the difference between yesterday and today is a big contrast. We spent this afternoon as a family at the horse stable for a birthday party. The kids played with friends from Liam's class and rode ponies. I took pictures for the family and we mingled with the other couples. It was a gorgeous day and was especially nice being together.
We decided that today starts a new chapter. Keep praying.....whoever you are (Ang? :-) )
*Thank you, Joy, for being there for me last night. I love ya, girl!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
leaving
he says he's going to bed now and he's getting things ready in the morning to leave. he refuses to accept that he has a chemical imbalance in the form of depression. instead he wants to blame for making him "lose motivation" to do anything in life. whatever.
so here we go again. he moves out. he puts the kids through this crap. i'm so sick of it. the real problem is that i am a mirror in front of him that shows him where he's falling short. he wants to be lazy, lack initiative, unambitious and uninvolved in much of life. i'm a constant reminder to him that he can't do that. it pisses him off.
so now he's leaving......again. He says talking to me is a waste of oxygen. I told him that he is a waste of a human being.
so here we go again. he moves out. he puts the kids through this crap. i'm so sick of it. the real problem is that i am a mirror in front of him that shows him where he's falling short. he wants to be lazy, lack initiative, unambitious and uninvolved in much of life. i'm a constant reminder to him that he can't do that. it pisses him off.
so now he's leaving......again. He says talking to me is a waste of oxygen. I told him that he is a waste of a human being.
I'm not who he says I am
I have to remember who I am. To hear him talk, I am a complete failure. I should never be upset or vocal about his shortcomings as a husband or father. I should just accept it indefinitely, carry more and more of the burden on myself until I kill myself with stress and exhaustion. Never mind that he does absolutely NOTHING for me as a husband. He treats me like shit and expects I should do whatever he wants. Well, buddy, you've got to give some to get some. You give nothing, you get nothing. He calls me names and says I live in a delusional world. The only delusions I have is that he will change and that he will someday love me and become the kind of husband I need and father my children need. He won't change. He just wants to blame everything on me. This is getting harder and harder to live with. I have to think about the kids. I just have to think about the kids.
I'm pretty sure I hate him now.
I'm pretty sure I hate him now.
Friday, October 19, 2007
and i wonder
"And I wonder.....if you know....what it means....to find your dreams?" (Kanye: I Wonder)
"You say he get on your f**king nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word.
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is...."
The only thing different is that I don't want vengeance or anything. I don't wish ill will on him. We were going to talk but he put me in a bad position and his attitude and silence spoke volumes to me. More than sitting down to talk.
"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster....makes us stronger, more than ever, hour after hour, work is never over"
"t-t-t-hat that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" (Kanye: Stronger)
Tonight, the deal was that I take Josiah and his friends to homecoming and one of the other mothers would pick them up. I told Josiah when I dropped them off that if she couldn't pick them up to call me. Well, I really thought she'd come through. Didn't have a reason to think she wouldn't. So I put on my pj's and drank a glass of wine to try and relax....and get up the nerve for "the talk". Well, as fate would have it, Josiah calls.....they need a ride. I can't believe it. Clinton doesn't know where the school is. The kids are all in bed and would take up all the seats so I can't even say I'll ride with him if he'll just drive. See, I don't drive even if I've only had one glass of wine. I don't have to be drunk to say I won't drive. I know how hard it gets for me even when I'm just tired. I don't ever take that chance. I ask him to pick them up. He says he doesn't know where the school is and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. I'm dumbfounded. WTF?!?! I tell him, "I can't believe you would leave them there or put me in a position to drive when I've been drinking. That shows how little you care about, not only MY safety, but Josiah's!" I was so mad. I call Josiah back and tell him to please call his friend's mom back (I think she was at the gym) and tell her that I had a glass of wine and didn't feel comfortable driving. He calls back and says she can't. I draw a map and ask Clinton again. He's silent. I try to convince him some more. More silence. I turn away with tears in my eyes, put my shoes on , grab the keys and head out the door. He jumps up, "fine, I'll get him". I'm crying hard by now and say, "no it's my responsibility". Now, I wasn't drunk by any definition. It was just late and I was getting drowsy from the wine (it actually felt good to be that relaxed. my muscles are so tight most of the time from the fibromyalgia). So, I start to drive away and out of the corner of my eye, I see the front door open. But I was already driving and my anger was waking me right up. I took my wedding rings off and put them in my purse. I realized that no talk was needed, tonight or any night. He spoke loud and clear with what he DIDN'T do.
I had no trouble driving....between the cold air coming in the windows and the anger I was feeling. It's bad enough that he would let me risk my own life (he knows I rarely ask him to do the driving. I do all of the kids' chauffering) but the fact that he would put one of our children in harm's way......that is unforgivable. Yeah, he said, in anger and expletives, that he would get them but I knew I would pay for it, somehow. It made me so mad (and frankly, hurt) that I had to work so hard to convince him.
Dammit, I need a man! He is a man in anatomy only. I need a man to look out for me sometimes. Yeah, I'm a strong woman but sometimes even strong women need their man to come up and say, "hey baby, why don't you go relax. I've got this one." I need someone who loves me, who looks out for me, who wants my best. I needed him to say, "no problem, I'll go get them, how do I get there?" instead of getting an attitude with me because he had to get out from in front of the tv where he was flipping channels. God forbid, he should actually DO something or participate in freakin LIFE! Alright, so it's getting more and more obvious that he needs an anti-depressant. It's a flippin neon sign. But he has to step up and do it. He has to recognize it, too. It is so adversely affecting this family.
Well, he comes in and gets his shoes. Who knows where he's going. It's midnight. I don't even care anymore. He doesn't care to do maintenance on the relationship that he already has, the one that provides 2 parents for his children. Maybe he's turning to someone else. Not all the signs are there. But there are enough. Maybe I'm wrong. He doesn't leave the house much. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore and he's not on the computer too much. Unless "she" is coming through the History channel, I can't really imagine how he's hooking up with someone.
We've never been good with communication. So frustrating for me who has always prized herself on being a good communicator. But this relationship stumps me.
"You ever wonder what it all really mean"
"You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"
"You say he get on your f**king nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word.
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is...."
The only thing different is that I don't want vengeance or anything. I don't wish ill will on him. We were going to talk but he put me in a bad position and his attitude and silence spoke volumes to me. More than sitting down to talk.
"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster....makes us stronger, more than ever, hour after hour, work is never over"
"t-t-t-hat that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" (Kanye: Stronger)
Tonight, the deal was that I take Josiah and his friends to homecoming and one of the other mothers would pick them up. I told Josiah when I dropped them off that if she couldn't pick them up to call me. Well, I really thought she'd come through. Didn't have a reason to think she wouldn't. So I put on my pj's and drank a glass of wine to try and relax....and get up the nerve for "the talk". Well, as fate would have it, Josiah calls.....they need a ride. I can't believe it. Clinton doesn't know where the school is. The kids are all in bed and would take up all the seats so I can't even say I'll ride with him if he'll just drive. See, I don't drive even if I've only had one glass of wine. I don't have to be drunk to say I won't drive. I know how hard it gets for me even when I'm just tired. I don't ever take that chance. I ask him to pick them up. He says he doesn't know where the school is and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. I'm dumbfounded. WTF?!?! I tell him, "I can't believe you would leave them there or put me in a position to drive when I've been drinking. That shows how little you care about, not only MY safety, but Josiah's!" I was so mad. I call Josiah back and tell him to please call his friend's mom back (I think she was at the gym) and tell her that I had a glass of wine and didn't feel comfortable driving. He calls back and says she can't. I draw a map and ask Clinton again. He's silent. I try to convince him some more. More silence. I turn away with tears in my eyes, put my shoes on , grab the keys and head out the door. He jumps up, "fine, I'll get him". I'm crying hard by now and say, "no it's my responsibility". Now, I wasn't drunk by any definition. It was just late and I was getting drowsy from the wine (it actually felt good to be that relaxed. my muscles are so tight most of the time from the fibromyalgia). So, I start to drive away and out of the corner of my eye, I see the front door open. But I was already driving and my anger was waking me right up. I took my wedding rings off and put them in my purse. I realized that no talk was needed, tonight or any night. He spoke loud and clear with what he DIDN'T do.
I had no trouble driving....between the cold air coming in the windows and the anger I was feeling. It's bad enough that he would let me risk my own life (he knows I rarely ask him to do the driving. I do all of the kids' chauffering) but the fact that he would put one of our children in harm's way......that is unforgivable. Yeah, he said, in anger and expletives, that he would get them but I knew I would pay for it, somehow. It made me so mad (and frankly, hurt) that I had to work so hard to convince him.
Dammit, I need a man! He is a man in anatomy only. I need a man to look out for me sometimes. Yeah, I'm a strong woman but sometimes even strong women need their man to come up and say, "hey baby, why don't you go relax. I've got this one." I need someone who loves me, who looks out for me, who wants my best. I needed him to say, "no problem, I'll go get them, how do I get there?" instead of getting an attitude with me because he had to get out from in front of the tv where he was flipping channels. God forbid, he should actually DO something or participate in freakin LIFE! Alright, so it's getting more and more obvious that he needs an anti-depressant. It's a flippin neon sign. But he has to step up and do it. He has to recognize it, too. It is so adversely affecting this family.
Well, he comes in and gets his shoes. Who knows where he's going. It's midnight. I don't even care anymore. He doesn't care to do maintenance on the relationship that he already has, the one that provides 2 parents for his children. Maybe he's turning to someone else. Not all the signs are there. But there are enough. Maybe I'm wrong. He doesn't leave the house much. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore and he's not on the computer too much. Unless "she" is coming through the History channel, I can't really imagine how he's hooking up with someone.
We've never been good with communication. So frustrating for me who has always prized herself on being a good communicator. But this relationship stumps me.
"You ever wonder what it all really mean"
"You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"
the other shoe drops
Earlier, when he was leaving to go back to work, I tried to hug him. He got very irritated, kept trying to sidestep me and I asked why. He said, in quite an irate tone, "because I don't want to. Stop". I quietly went upstairs, sat on the bed and cried.
So just now, I told him that we need to talk. He got this cocky look on his face and says, "about what?" I said, "are we going to keep going on like this until the kids move out or are we going to make some changes?" He said that he was in the middle of a game and was about to go outside for a cigarette. I said, "well, we need to talk soon". He said, "fine, then I'll start composing what I want to say". Oh joy. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm out of meds today. Have to pick up the Rx tomorrow a.m. Maybe I should stop and get a bottle of wine to sedate me. It's been over a year since I've had some. I'd probably only need one glass. lol I just feel a bit nervous and need to calm my nerves waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hold me tight, Lord. I'm in for a rough ride.
So just now, I told him that we need to talk. He got this cocky look on his face and says, "about what?" I said, "are we going to keep going on like this until the kids move out or are we going to make some changes?" He said that he was in the middle of a game and was about to go outside for a cigarette. I said, "well, we need to talk soon". He said, "fine, then I'll start composing what I want to say". Oh joy. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm out of meds today. Have to pick up the Rx tomorrow a.m. Maybe I should stop and get a bottle of wine to sedate me. It's been over a year since I've had some. I'd probably only need one glass. lol I just feel a bit nervous and need to calm my nerves waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hold me tight, Lord. I'm in for a rough ride.
sigh
I miss the coziness of our relationship. The "comfortableness" of being together. The freedom with which we would touch each other as we passed by or snuggle on the sofa, watching a movie or lay in bed with my head on his chest, just talking.....I miss the way he would reach his arms up behind him when he was at the computer for me to come down and wrap my arms around him while he played his game. I miss how he would casually kiss the top of my head for no reason. I miss holding hands, walking through the bookstore or the PX or somewhere. I miss being able to talk to him and feel like he was actually interested in what I was saying; actually interested in ME.
I'm sure he's distant because of the sex thing, as in he's not getting any and I'm not initiating it or enthusiastic about it when he initiates. I'm not purposely withholding sex from him for some bitchy, spiteful reason. I have no desire, no motivation, no inclination. He doesn't seem to care to look into why or how to prime that pump. I've been giving him what he needs even when I don't get what I need. After the surgery or the embolism, I gave it to him even when I really needed to be pampered and allowed to rest. I wish he knew how to do other things to make me feel loved (or maybe he does but doesn't care). Sex isn't making me feel loved anymore. It makes me feel disregarded, like my needs don't matter. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not a guy. I don't always want to be kinky or sexy. Sometimes, I want "cozy". I want hugs, kisses, plain no-strings-attached affection. Seriously, if he really cared about what I want, he would brush his teeth and stop with the cigarette smoke drenched clothing. I am a kisser. I LOVE a good long kiss. Hell, I love any kiss. I love kissing. Kissing gets my motor revving more than most anything. But the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth....almost NEVER...really grosses me out. The fact that it usually feels like kissing an ashtray grosses me out more. I've tried every nice way I can to tell him. He doesn't care. I should put out and shut up. End of story.
I'm sure he's distant because of the sex thing, as in he's not getting any and I'm not initiating it or enthusiastic about it when he initiates. I'm not purposely withholding sex from him for some bitchy, spiteful reason. I have no desire, no motivation, no inclination. He doesn't seem to care to look into why or how to prime that pump. I've been giving him what he needs even when I don't get what I need. After the surgery or the embolism, I gave it to him even when I really needed to be pampered and allowed to rest. I wish he knew how to do other things to make me feel loved (or maybe he does but doesn't care). Sex isn't making me feel loved anymore. It makes me feel disregarded, like my needs don't matter. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not a guy. I don't always want to be kinky or sexy. Sometimes, I want "cozy". I want hugs, kisses, plain no-strings-attached affection. Seriously, if he really cared about what I want, he would brush his teeth and stop with the cigarette smoke drenched clothing. I am a kisser. I LOVE a good long kiss. Hell, I love any kiss. I love kissing. Kissing gets my motor revving more than most anything. But the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth....almost NEVER...really grosses me out. The fact that it usually feels like kissing an ashtray grosses me out more. I've tried every nice way I can to tell him. He doesn't care. I should put out and shut up. End of story.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
ugh
My husband hates me. I'm pretty sure that there isn't anyone else on the face of this earth that he dislikes more than me. Yup, pretty much can't stand everything about me. We are so incredibly incompatible, it's ridiculous. We're not fighting right now. At least we've "matured" past that. No, we just don't talk most of the time. It is very uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as yelling at each other. At least the kids don't have to hear that and be afraid. It's the great big elephant in the room.....our love relationship is dead but we keep going through the motions. Not going through the motions with each other, there's nothing left there. But just going through the motions of everyday living, only using the sparsest amount of words with each other to get by. I try to touch him or hug him and he tells me to stop. He's been sleeping on the couch for a couple of months now. Last week, he disappeared in the middle of night for a few hours, coming home in the morning. I ask where he was, he says, "what do you care?". Yup, this is all starting to sound familiar. This time last year, he had that whore he met in a game and spend tons of hours talking to on the phone and online, probably in person, too, since she lives in NC. I don't want to think that is going on again. I actually almost feel too numb to care what he does with his personal time. There's no romance between us. Maybe he's right. What do I care who he spends time with. What I do care about is the preservation of this family. I will come against anything that threatens that. He doesn't love me or respect me, I get that. But I put up with the absence of love from a man in order for my children to live with both parents. I know he doesn't want me the way a man should want a woman, as a partner, a lover, a friend. But I try to keep it together so my children have both parents. Yeah, I'm sacrificial like that. Or stupid. No, I have to do it for my kids. He doesn't love me. I can't change that. I've tried but there's only so much giving and going out of ones way to care for someone (who doesn't reciprocate) that someone can take. He doesn't do anything for me. I've lost my motivation to do anything for him anymore.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
if he loved me
We don't say hello, goodbye or goodnight anymore. We haven't kissed in months. It's sad, really. Even when times were hectic, we'd at least kiss each other and say goodnight. Now he doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me. He's been sleeping on the couch or chair for a couple of months now. I'm not sure why he really started that. I thought it was because it felt better on his back or that he would fall asleep watching tv but that can't be it now, after so long.....every night?
It would be easy to blame it all on an affair (wouldn't be the first time) but I think it's just because of me. He doesn't show any concern for me anymore. He doesn't do anything that shows care for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even love me anymore. I know for sure he doesn't like me much. When you love someone, you look out for their best interests, you nurture them, you don't get an attitude with them when they ask for help, you look forward to their company, you help lighten their load (even in small ways), you treat them with respect, you try to understand them, you partner with them and help them out, you try to meet their needs (whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or intellectual).
Maybe he's offish with me because I'm not meeting his physical need of sex. There's more to it than what he thinks (that I'm just being a bitch). For one, things are different in my body since I had the c-section and now being on Zoloft. My body is misshapen, which is embarrassing plus I have next to no physical desire for sex. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with it. Physically, it is painful and I usually bleed afterwards. Emotionally, I feel sickened/ashamed/or something when I see or hear or think of anything sexual. This is all new to me. Since I've been in a relationship with him (almost 9 yrs now), I have had a lot of sexual passion for him even when we aren't getting along otherwise. But now, sex is embarrassing for me and I'm very uncomfortable in a sexual state. It feels yukky to me and I don't know why. Plus, I rarely feel any arousal anymore. I think it's the zoloft or maybe nerves got damaged during the c-section/tubal ligation. I don't know. I do know that I'm just uncomfortable (and totally embarrassed by the way I look...in my body shape, my hair, my face, my size... all of it). Instead of trying to help me (by romancing me or appealing to my emotions), he just ignores me and doesn't help me out in other areas.
Then there's the fact that I'm really not drawn to him. Sex is more emotional for women than it is physical (it's still physical but the emotional is a stronger factor, at least to me it is). He lives in his uniform or at least parts of it.....like a dirty, smelly tan t-shirt with pj pants or something, etc. He has poor hygiene habits....doesn't shower very often, hasn't brushed his teeth in months (big, huge ew-w-w-y to me), smells like cigarette smoke mixed with body odor (one of the most disgusting smells I can think of)almost constantly. Smells mean a lot to me. They contribute to my emotions often. Not only that but I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Emotionally, I'm not drawn to him, either. He's not doing anything for me. He's not kind to me, attentive, helpful, romantic, etc. My "love bank" is definitely overdrawn, in the red, bankrupt.
Sex has always been the keystone that held our relationship together. Now, it's missing and everything is crumbling.
It would be easy to blame it all on an affair (wouldn't be the first time) but I think it's just because of me. He doesn't show any concern for me anymore. He doesn't do anything that shows care for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even love me anymore. I know for sure he doesn't like me much. When you love someone, you look out for their best interests, you nurture them, you don't get an attitude with them when they ask for help, you look forward to their company, you help lighten their load (even in small ways), you treat them with respect, you try to understand them, you partner with them and help them out, you try to meet their needs (whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or intellectual).
Maybe he's offish with me because I'm not meeting his physical need of sex. There's more to it than what he thinks (that I'm just being a bitch). For one, things are different in my body since I had the c-section and now being on Zoloft. My body is misshapen, which is embarrassing plus I have next to no physical desire for sex. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with it. Physically, it is painful and I usually bleed afterwards. Emotionally, I feel sickened/ashamed/or something when I see or hear or think of anything sexual. This is all new to me. Since I've been in a relationship with him (almost 9 yrs now), I have had a lot of sexual passion for him even when we aren't getting along otherwise. But now, sex is embarrassing for me and I'm very uncomfortable in a sexual state. It feels yukky to me and I don't know why. Plus, I rarely feel any arousal anymore. I think it's the zoloft or maybe nerves got damaged during the c-section/tubal ligation. I don't know. I do know that I'm just uncomfortable (and totally embarrassed by the way I look...in my body shape, my hair, my face, my size... all of it). Instead of trying to help me (by romancing me or appealing to my emotions), he just ignores me and doesn't help me out in other areas.
Then there's the fact that I'm really not drawn to him. Sex is more emotional for women than it is physical (it's still physical but the emotional is a stronger factor, at least to me it is). He lives in his uniform or at least parts of it.....like a dirty, smelly tan t-shirt with pj pants or something, etc. He has poor hygiene habits....doesn't shower very often, hasn't brushed his teeth in months (big, huge ew-w-w-y to me), smells like cigarette smoke mixed with body odor (one of the most disgusting smells I can think of)almost constantly. Smells mean a lot to me. They contribute to my emotions often. Not only that but I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Emotionally, I'm not drawn to him, either. He's not doing anything for me. He's not kind to me, attentive, helpful, romantic, etc. My "love bank" is definitely overdrawn, in the red, bankrupt.
Sex has always been the keystone that held our relationship together. Now, it's missing and everything is crumbling.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
trudging along
God, it's so hard to be me sometimes. So much to juggle and not enough money to stretch and this freakin fibro fog and achy body.... I have people counting on me.
I wish I had a partner. Not just one in name only. I have one of those. But a real partner. Someone who shares the load. Someone who has the same vision as me (of family nurturing) and teams up with me to achieve it. One who doesn't get a flippin attitude when I remind him that it's trash night or ask for help with the kids or the car or the dog or any freakin thing I ask for help with. One who doesn't throw things against the wall because I talked to him when he didn't feel like being talked to (like I knew that). One who doesn't sleep most of the day instead of going to work (for more than just a few hours a day). I'd like a partner who has ambition, initiative and compassion and is industrious. Hell, I'd like a partner who checks the oil once in awhile and, here's a thought, actually makes sure the car is safe and keeps up with the maintenance (even if he has to get someone else to do the work). I don't want a workaholic or someone with OCD. I'd just like someone who was more responsible and active. Someone who cherished me and wouldn't dream of making me carry the whole burden of day to day living of a family of 6. Someone that I could talk to and not feel like I'm playing Russian roulette, not knowing when the bullet's going to fly out.
And someone that I had respect for. I'm running out of things to respect and it's getting harder and harder. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad but sadly, I'm not mad, I'm growing increasingly more indifferent instead. That worries me more. Most of the time, I don't even feel like talking to him or acknowledging when he walks through the door anymore. I feel like "why bother?". I don't know when he's going to snap at me or frankly, even hear me if I'm chit chatting with him. It feels like he's "absent" most of the time, even when he's here. He's just not into me at all. It used to hurt. Now, it's just part of my life. For the kids' sake (because they need 2 parents), we stay together. For their sake, I won't fight with him. I just work on staying out of his way. He's unpredictable and I don't have to subject myself to that. I deserve better. Hell yeah, I deserve better. Maybe he's a nice person in and of himself and maybe I'd enjoy his company if he wasn't someone I needed to rely on, depend on or partner with. I just can't count on him to get the job done or help me achieve the goals of this family or be a more active partner in raising our kids. I can't count on him to have my best interests at heart or to consistently show/express love towards me. We are just very different kinds of people with different perspectives/outlooks and work ethics.....and unfortunately, not the kinds of differences that complement each other.
I've given up on being loved by a man the way I deserve to be love.... the way any good woman deserves to be loved and treated.....I know that God loves me with an amazing, endless love and that I am the apple of His eye. I will pour the best parts of myself into my children. After all, they are my legacy.
I wish I had a partner. Not just one in name only. I have one of those. But a real partner. Someone who shares the load. Someone who has the same vision as me (of family nurturing) and teams up with me to achieve it. One who doesn't get a flippin attitude when I remind him that it's trash night or ask for help with the kids or the car or the dog or any freakin thing I ask for help with. One who doesn't throw things against the wall because I talked to him when he didn't feel like being talked to (like I knew that). One who doesn't sleep most of the day instead of going to work (for more than just a few hours a day). I'd like a partner who has ambition, initiative and compassion and is industrious. Hell, I'd like a partner who checks the oil once in awhile and, here's a thought, actually makes sure the car is safe and keeps up with the maintenance (even if he has to get someone else to do the work). I don't want a workaholic or someone with OCD. I'd just like someone who was more responsible and active. Someone who cherished me and wouldn't dream of making me carry the whole burden of day to day living of a family of 6. Someone that I could talk to and not feel like I'm playing Russian roulette, not knowing when the bullet's going to fly out.
And someone that I had respect for. I'm running out of things to respect and it's getting harder and harder. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad but sadly, I'm not mad, I'm growing increasingly more indifferent instead. That worries me more. Most of the time, I don't even feel like talking to him or acknowledging when he walks through the door anymore. I feel like "why bother?". I don't know when he's going to snap at me or frankly, even hear me if I'm chit chatting with him. It feels like he's "absent" most of the time, even when he's here. He's just not into me at all. It used to hurt. Now, it's just part of my life. For the kids' sake (because they need 2 parents), we stay together. For their sake, I won't fight with him. I just work on staying out of his way. He's unpredictable and I don't have to subject myself to that. I deserve better. Hell yeah, I deserve better. Maybe he's a nice person in and of himself and maybe I'd enjoy his company if he wasn't someone I needed to rely on, depend on or partner with. I just can't count on him to get the job done or help me achieve the goals of this family or be a more active partner in raising our kids. I can't count on him to have my best interests at heart or to consistently show/express love towards me. We are just very different kinds of people with different perspectives/outlooks and work ethics.....and unfortunately, not the kinds of differences that complement each other.
I've given up on being loved by a man the way I deserve to be love.... the way any good woman deserves to be loved and treated.....I know that God loves me with an amazing, endless love and that I am the apple of His eye. I will pour the best parts of myself into my children. After all, they are my legacy.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
fatigue
I feel like I spend most every day of my life in fatigue. I never have energy. Whenever I get anything done, it is because of sheer determination or stubbornness or deadlines. Some days are worse than others. I feel like life passes me by too often. Even conversations are too draining. I don't keep up with my friends or extended family. Often it is because I'm so distracted. I try multitasking but anything involving words and my brain starts to feel all discombobulated and confused.
I keep telling myself that it will pass but now years are flying by and it just gets worse.
I keep telling myself that it will pass but now years are flying by and it just gets worse.
The Storm has Passed
Well, we survived the dark phase this time around. It was relatively short lived but he seems to be back to his "normal" self now. No casualties this time. Thank God.
I'm thinking that sometimes this has to do with his creative muse. When he's got that going, he tends to be possessive of his time and expects to be able to fully focus on whatever creative thing he wants to do. I wish I had that freedom.
But now that he's finished the computer theme he was working on, he's nicer and more cooperative and talks to us more. :-)
I'm thinking that sometimes this has to do with his creative muse. When he's got that going, he tends to be possessive of his time and expects to be able to fully focus on whatever creative thing he wants to do. I wish I had that freedom.
But now that he's finished the computer theme he was working on, he's nicer and more cooperative and talks to us more. :-)
Monday, September 24, 2007
better
Well, Clinton's dark phase doesn't seem to be lasting as long and isn't as intense as in the past. It's intermittent with some "okay" spots. Still, I'm treading lightly. The overall feel of these phases is of self-focus and self-absorption. God help anyone who gets in the way of that or "requires" anything of him. So NOT a family friendly way to be. I just don't talk to him very much and I think he gets the hint. But not strong enough to make big changes. He just doesn't treat me as rudely then.
A lot of the problem is that we are so different. Not that we don't have things in common but rather that our perspective on family &/or relationship dynamics is very different. I used to think that he was anti-social but I see him talking to people and he can be quite the entertainer :-) I think really that he is "relationship impaired". Not just in marriage but in keeping/maintaining/cultivating/nurturing relationships in general....with me, with the kids, with friends, with co-workers.......anything that needs to be consistent or long term. I don't know. Just my observation.
I still think he needs medication, though. His mood swings can be very drastic and it's hard to know when they are going to hit. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be "cooperative" or vengeful. I don't know from one day to the next if it is okay to ask him to take out the trash (and actually expect it to be done in a timely fashion) or talk about the bills or whatever and get teamwork or spite. It's a hard way to live and it really hinders me in "my" job.
A lot of the problem is that we are so different. Not that we don't have things in common but rather that our perspective on family &/or relationship dynamics is very different. I used to think that he was anti-social but I see him talking to people and he can be quite the entertainer :-) I think really that he is "relationship impaired". Not just in marriage but in keeping/maintaining/cultivating/nurturing relationships in general....with me, with the kids, with friends, with co-workers.......anything that needs to be consistent or long term. I don't know. Just my observation.
I still think he needs medication, though. His mood swings can be very drastic and it's hard to know when they are going to hit. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be "cooperative" or vengeful. I don't know from one day to the next if it is okay to ask him to take out the trash (and actually expect it to be done in a timely fashion) or talk about the bills or whatever and get teamwork or spite. It's a hard way to live and it really hinders me in "my" job.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Riding Out the Storm
Well, my dear husband is going through another one of his dark phases. I hate when they happen. I'm finally figuring out that the best thing to do is to stay out of his way in order to keep from being the object of his wrath and just ride it out until it passes. I think the whole family has figured that out. Even Josiah said to me, "he needs medication". Well, what are ya gonna do? He doesn't think he needs meds. Most people that are around him for any length of time and see him go through these phases think he does. But I can't change that he won't get some. I can just stay out of his way....and keep taking my own meds. lol
I used to react to every little moody thing he did and take each incident at face value. That ALWAYS made things worse because I am good at taking things to the next level and upping the drama. But now I'm learning to see the bigger picture. He's moody. He's unhappy with himself. He likes to think it's everyone else's fault (when he's like this). It makes it harder for me, though. I have to act as if he isn't here as far as teamwork goes. I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with him. Not because I'm worried he'll hurt them but because I feel like they will be left largely unsupervised. He has a bad habit of not paying attention.....of getting caught up in his computer games or tv shows or sleeping on the sofa.... He lost track of Liam a couple of weeks ago and I was livid. I had to flag down an MP that was driving down our street to help me look for him. When I was telling him what happened, and giving him a description of Liam, I told him that if anything happened to my little boy, they better take his father into custody for his own safety because I was going to kill him. And don't ya know that a couple hours after Liam was found, I went to the store briefly, came back, said "where's the kids?', he says upstairs watching tv and really they were across the street at the park!! ARGH!
So I just stay out of his way and don't talk to him. It keeps me from crying when he's harsh or cold towards me. It also keeps me from reacting in a hostile way and fueling his darkness. More than anything else, I want the kids to have a nurturing home. If at times I have to provide that by myself, well so be it.
I used to react to every little moody thing he did and take each incident at face value. That ALWAYS made things worse because I am good at taking things to the next level and upping the drama. But now I'm learning to see the bigger picture. He's moody. He's unhappy with himself. He likes to think it's everyone else's fault (when he's like this). It makes it harder for me, though. I have to act as if he isn't here as far as teamwork goes. I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with him. Not because I'm worried he'll hurt them but because I feel like they will be left largely unsupervised. He has a bad habit of not paying attention.....of getting caught up in his computer games or tv shows or sleeping on the sofa.... He lost track of Liam a couple of weeks ago and I was livid. I had to flag down an MP that was driving down our street to help me look for him. When I was telling him what happened, and giving him a description of Liam, I told him that if anything happened to my little boy, they better take his father into custody for his own safety because I was going to kill him. And don't ya know that a couple hours after Liam was found, I went to the store briefly, came back, said "where's the kids?', he says upstairs watching tv and really they were across the street at the park!! ARGH!
So I just stay out of his way and don't talk to him. It keeps me from crying when he's harsh or cold towards me. It also keeps me from reacting in a hostile way and fueling his darkness. More than anything else, I want the kids to have a nurturing home. If at times I have to provide that by myself, well so be it.
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