paranoia or instincts?

I've been looking over the forum at Divorce Busters and reading some sad stories. But I got to thinking after I read one person's advice. "The man" has been so hell bent on me getting a job, belittling me, withholding money so that I can't cover expenses, etc. I thought that was strange because he was supportive of me being a SAHM and agreed that it was the best thing for the children. Then it occurred to me today after reading something: I have been a SAHM for 7 yrs. If I get a job now, I won't qualify anymore for spousal support (alimony). DING! light bulb moment. So now, I am more determined than ever to make things work to take care of my kids WITHOUT getting a job. I was starting to fall under the guilt and thinking I was lazy and wanting to be "taken care of" like he was accusing. But now, I get it.

I used to tell him that it was much cheaper to keep me than to get rid of me. He is seeing how his actions are hitting his wallet and he is trying his best to escape unscathed, financially. Too bad.

Another thing that I thought of today: I mentioned in an email that I had had phone sex with someone recently but nothing else. He was really bent out of shape about it and kept after me in texting and on the phone. I thought that was odd considering how many umpteen times he's cheated on me (including the girl he was seeing when he moved out in November) and how I have been absolutely the picture of faithfulness our whole marriage. He seemed really upset. Then it occurred to me. If he can trump up some adultery accusations on me, he can get out of spousal support. I don't know if phone sex is considered adultery but we are separated.

I'm back to totally not trusting him. For a couple of days, he "seemed" to let his guard down and has been nice, even telling me he missed me, too, etc. But now I'm thinking it was all a ruse. He had said a week ago that after pay day, he had a phone consult with a lawyer. I wonder if this was all part of that?

Oh well, I think it's time for me to "go dark" and avoid contact as much as possible. I really let my guard down with him and I need to step back again.

frustration

I got a letter from the bank where we have the van loan. Apparently, the allotment that had been set up for the payment to come out of his pay, was stopped in December. Of course, he is the only one who could've stopped it. The thing is that now, they want $1500. He never told me he did it (I think actually he did it as a spontaneous, knee-jerk reaction to being mad at me and forgot about it). Now, all the income tax refund is gone and I'm just finding out. Oh yeah, I am some serious kind of pissed off! Now, I have to worry about the van being out there when I go to take the kids to school in the morning. The thing is: the van and loan are in his name. Not mine. His truck is only in my name (and paid off) and not his. I want to switch. He won't.

Just when I am trying to rebuild trust that he's not trying to hurt me and make life miserable for me.......

I don't know what to do. Switching vehicles is the best solution for me (although the truck is 10 yrs old and has its own mechanical problems). If he wants to default on the loan then fine. Not my problem. And yesterday, the engine starting acting funny and blue-ish smoke was coming out of the exhaust. Of course, this happens when the van is 10 miles away from the warranty expiring! The mechanic (on the phone) said it sounds like oil starvation produced engine sludge. Kia won't pay for it if it's owner neglect. Lovely. They want receipts of oil changes, etc. I'd have to have it towed to Kia to avoid going over the mileage. I'm supposed to take Josiah to meet his Dad halfway on Saturday for Spring Break. It's a Murphy's Law kind of day.

observation

My friend made an observation when I was talking about how I'm getting mixed signals. They said that Clinton is through with the marriage but still wants the benefits. That sounds so simple and obvious but I had never thought of it that way. It makes sense.

challenge

After texting with him yesterday, I realize that it is a good idea (and important) that I distance myself from him. If there is any chance of us starting over down the road, he needs to have a life without me in it for now. It feels like that is what he has wanted or thought that he has needed for a long time. Plus, I need to heal from his infidelities. These months that he is away at school provides a perfect opportunity before something permanent happens. Plus, I can't handle the mixed signals. It hinders my progress. So what this means for me is that I can't call him or contact him. If he calls here, it will be for talking to the kids. It is very difficult for me to have the willpower to not contact him, either via phone, text, myspace or email. He'll either realize he doesn't want to live without me or he'll feel so "free" that he'll wish he had left a long time ago.

So I've given myself a challenge with a reward at the end. :-) If I go a full 7 days without giving in and contacting him, then I will treat myself to a full body massage at the spa. I desperately need it and definitely deserve it. Seven days doesn't sound like long but it will be a big challenge for me especially when we have 4 kids. It's hard for me to keep from letting him know about stuff going on with them. But if he doesn't call to find out about his kids, well then maybe he doesn't care to know.

Anyway, hopefully this time next week, I will be very relaxed from my deep tissue massage. :-) Who knows....maybe, if I do well, I'll challenge myself to another 7 days and reward myself with a haircut or pedicure and so on and so forth. lol Hm, by the end of the school year, I'll feel like a new woman. :-) lol

reality check

Well, I guess I misread some things or he's in denial or a combination of both. We've been texting each other a lot (with unlimited texting, so much cheaper!) and I tell him that I'm starting to have a change of heart. He texts back: we are getting divorced. Ouch, stab in the heart, but okay. I write back: do you feel as strongly as you did before? He texts: the marriage wasn't healthy. Me: past tense, we need a new one then. Then no more texts from him until later. I tell him that I saw that girl and don't want that type of scenario to be a part of my life anymore so I need to move on. He says: Life isn't always some deep web of drama.

After a couple texts back and forth (including mine saying that I've been getting mixed signals from him), he says: I can see that I have to make greater attempts at distancing myself from you. Don't take it as rejection because then you become impossible to work with. That hit me hard because I took that as he has been pretending (and dang, he must be a very good actor if that is the case). When I say something, he says: that's right, I love you, goodbye (to end the conversation). I elaborate (because at this point I am crying and glad he can't see me) and then he says: you are wrong. whatever. don't be crazy. I am so confused but then I realize that I'm not the only one. I think he is very confused, too. I like to believe that he is thinking along the same lines as I am. We love each other, we enjoy each others company, we love our family life together with the kids.....BUT....neither one of us trusts the good times to last because when the bad times hit, oh my goodness, they can become near fatal. Neither one of us knows how to keep them from happening or rather how to handle them when they do happen without having things escalate to a dangerous, volatile level. We have been to so many different counselors over the years, secular and Christian. What else is there (in his mind)? I wonder if the counseling would be more effectual if we didn't go when things were really bad but rather when things are decent. Usually when we go, it's as a result of a hugemongous blow out and we are polarized and both very guarded. Maybe if we went BEFORE that happened.....I don't know.

I think a big difference between us is that I need more words. He needs more silence. I need to interact. He needs to avoid. I also think that, while I believe he truly loves me (in the way that he knows how), he doesn't care too much for marriage or possibly just doesn't know HOW to be a husband or function as a primary figure in a family. He likes to do his own thing and also likes a LOT of alone time. I don't think he understands the benefits of accountability. Marriage and family require way too much of himself for his comfort level, even though I know that he really loves this family. Of course, I say all this, tongue in cheek because really how I feel is - oh well, get over it, life's not fair, deal with your responsibilities and make the sacrifices.

I have decided to stay in Fayetteville when his school is over and he has to clear housing before going to his new duty station in GA. Josiah has 2 more years of high school and he is doing so well. Plus, he is very involved in the youth group with Chapel Next and we as a family are becoming more involved and making good friends. I spoke with his father and we both think it's not a good idea to mess with that. I'm not going to be moving back home to Baltimore. Instead I want to find somewhere to live in Josiah's school district. I think it will be easier to find a job and a place to live when I have to leave here if I'm already in the area. I have so many details on my mind about that big transition in general. If I let myself dwell on them, it becomes so overwhelming that it makes me want to shut down. I don't know how I am going to afford to live on my own with 4 kids. And how am I going to afford day care in the summer when the kids are out of school? Not to mention, just how am I supposed to rent somewhere when I don't have recent housing or job history? So much more but I don't want to think about it. I have to take things one day at a time and remember that I serve a God Who is known for coming through in the midnight hour.

I feel like I have such a burden, taking care of all of the needs of the kids by myself. I do it gladly but there are times where it becomes overwhelming and I lose confidence in my ability or I have a "mom moment" where I worry. Most of the time, I just handle things myself and don't turn to Clinton but sometimes, I just really need his strength. I need him to be there for me. And he rarely is. It hurts so deeply. Rarely do I ask him to be there for me in an area that solely concerns me. Most often it is in areas that solely involve the children. Okay, so he doesn't want to be a marriage partner with me but is it too much to ask that he be a more active parenting partner?

progress

There has been a lot of progress made this past month or so. Too much to list. In my heart, though, I'm still keeping a measure of distance because it could all go south over night. Sadly, that's how it goes around here. I think it has been good for him to be on his own, well he hasn't completely been on his own but he has been gaining some autonomy, which is a good thing. He was 18 when we fell in love and shortly after, there was instant family. I think there are some things he needs to be on his own for, and dare I say, areas he needs to grow in.

I'm hopeful that we are gaining tremendous ground in the areas that we had difficulty in as a couple, as far as communicating and relating to each other go. We are both standing on our own two feet a little steadier and not pulling the other down. I'm less frustrated with him because I see him taking responsibility for himself more. I feel that the tentacle-like hold of codependency is being cut, one item at a time. But even with all of this progress and with how we've been enjoying each other's company, etc., I still think it might come to the point where I will have to pass on reconciling our marriage. I want to be open to what God wants but I am feeling more drawn to pass it by than to grasping it. The sole reason is the situation of his affair with that girl rebecca. That relationship went beyond online flirting or cyber/phone sex with people far away that he met online. He specifically sought out someone local to meet and have a relationship with. She is married to a deployed soldier, too. Unbelievable that he would do that to a fellow soldier, not to mention that he would do that to me and to the kids. Worst of all, she is in my housing development. They both said that they thought the other was divorced but I read the instant messages and that is a flat-out lie. They both knew what they were doing.

Yeah, so I'm thinking that that's a deal breaker for me. I tried to rationalize the other women that he had extra-marital intimate relationships with over the years because they were online or the phone (not that that makes it much better but you'll tell yourself anything to try to keep a marriage together sometimes). But that relationship was above and beyond wrong. I had no idea that it was happening and that is probably what bothers me the most. It was willful. It wasn't like when he and I got together. We didn't seek each other out. We worked together, became close friends and then fell in love.

So as much as I love him and love the times we've had together lately and would love to keep our family together, it would literally take an act of God.

What I would need is the following:

1. complete repentance with remorse from him - none of this justifying and trying to sweep it under the rug like it wasn't that big a deal. I want him to call it what it is and OWN IT and truly feel sorry for what he did (yeah right like that's going to happen)
2. acknowledgment that he has a weakness in this area
3. accountability - which includes no private Myspace accounts or emails
   
4. counseling - one on one for him with say someone like Dr. Vaughn or anyone really but definitely one on one
   

We'll see what happens. While he is away at school, I plan on having limited contact with him and having that contact revolve around the kids. I felt a lot of love from him when he was leaving and when he came back for a surprise visit last weekend. But I feel that now is a crucial time for him (before things are permanently altered) to see what life is truly like without me and the kids in it the way we have been. I believe he needs to see what life is truly like without me to love and love him back. I have no intentions of being his buddy or f#$% buddy or anything like that. Once the divorce is final, there will be no turning back and I WILL NOT look out for him or take care of him or flirt with him or anything like that. He needs to be certain that that is what he wants....life without me. I know that he wishes he could still be with the kids everyday but when he moves to his new duty station, it'll become primarily holidays that he'll see them because he'll be in another state.

confused

So many different emotions and thoughts these past couple of weeks. Not sure what to do with them. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, trying to discern what direction to head in. I get mixed messages from him. I love him. He says he loves me. When we lay naked in bed wrapped in each others arms in a sleepy, cozy embrace...all feels right with my world. It feels like the place I was born to be in.

so glad

The more I think about it, the more excited I am about putting this farce of a marriage in the past as a distant memory. One friend put it well, I got the best of him in the 3 children we made together. The rest of him is just crap....rude, deceitful, self-focused, unfaithful, immoral crap. This last affair was the deal breaker for me. I know the others should have been but I told myself that because they were online or on the phone and not in person, that we could get past it. Except for the ones in Alaska when we were separated. Those were horrible. But I told myself that it was because we were separated and that it would be different when we started over. As far as I know, there haven't been any other physical relationships since Alaska....until November. This one was too calculated. It was while we were still together, no talk of divorce or anything like that. I don't know where he found her but it turns out she lives in my neighborhood. I had bad vibes but couldn't figure it out because he wasn't going out at night for any length of time. That's because he was having her come to his work, to the empty Bravo Btry building. So, great, I have to worry even if he goes to work. Lovely. He was coming home from work like normal, doing the family thing, making love to me at night.....but had someone on the side. He'd hook up with her online at night when I thought he was sleeping on the couch because of his back (she wasn't the only one he was getting with online, just the only one I KNOW ABOUT that he hooked up in person with). They were planning an overnighter but I don't know if it happened. Probably. I found the transcripts from some of their chats. Disgusting stuff. I thought I was going to throw up. They were even on MY laptop.....the one he bought for me, the one our kids use. Even more disgusting.

I decided to forgive him for the past affairs and to not throw them in his face anymore. But I'm having trouble getting past this one. She knew he was married. He knew she was married. It all makes me sick. They both lied so much when confronted and their stories didn't match up.

Someday I will have to forgive him....for my sake. But right now, it helps to not forget because it propels me forward to be free of him and not to fall for his lies anymore. This past one, well there's no semblance of rationalization to be made. It was wrong and he will pay for it. I'm going to let God handle this one. His vengeance and wrath is much worse than anything I could come up with. I'm so glad I came to my senses this week. I know it is because of all the prayers being put out for me and our family. Last week, when we got back from PA, I was really enjoying his company and thought I might be falling in love with him again. But I was in denial about the severity of what he did when he was living in this marriage. It's a deal breaker for sure. I was worried about what God wanted me to do with the marriage but my friend reminded me that adultery is grounds for divorce according to the Bible. I can walk away with a clear conscience.

conditions

Thinking about conditions to reconciliation (I'm sure he has his for me but these are ones I'm thinking of for him).

1. full medical/psych eval for him - for depression, bipolar disorder or whatever the problem is (including taking meds)
   
2. internet accountability
3. individual counseling for him - need to get to the bottom of why he continuously seeks out new relationships on the internet and that go beyond the internet to the phone and to seeking out women locally
4. couples counseling with a chaplain - need to figure out how to speak each other's language and hone our communication skills
5. must work together with the money and bills
6. must show interest in me as a woman, not just in the bedroom - I want romanced
7. must actively partner with me in this family and household - not do all the housework or all the childcare or anything like that but PARTNER with me - share the load, divide up responsibilities more evenly, yes, taking into consideration that he has another job that he goes to all day
8. must be more involved with family time and the children's activities
9. no female friends that are not mutual friends and no excessive amounts of time spent with even the mutual friends (and definitely no alone time behind closed doors)- if he has a female friend that is not a mutual friend (ie: someone he plays online games with), then he cannot "hide" her from me and I need to be able to talk to her if I wanted to (which is unlikely that I will want to unless he starts acting secretive)
10. must have each other's email passwords
11. must be on his Myspace friends list
12. attend chapel as a family
13. must have access to cell phone call records

These are just some things off the top of my head. I'll probably add to this list later. As we are starting to spend more time together this week and getting along well, I have to be careful to not be led by my heart. I have to keep my goals in mind for the sake of my family's well being. I don't think he is even considering calling off the divorce but in the event that he does, I need to have my boundaries and high standards written down. We have been through too much as a family and I absolutely do not want to go back to the way it was. If these conditions can't be met, then I will gladly move on without him. I cannot settle for less.

guidance needed

Lord, I need guidance and direction. My guard is down and I'm starting to feel like I'm falling in love with him again. I don't want to be naive but I also don't want to miss what You have for me. I truly believe that this is a process and a journey through this separation. I believe that this time apart is working good things in both of us, whether we get back together or not.