reality check

Well, I guess I misread some things or he's in denial or a combination of both. We've been texting each other a lot (with unlimited texting, so much cheaper!) and I tell him that I'm starting to have a change of heart. He texts back: we are getting divorced. Ouch, stab in the heart, but okay. I write back: do you feel as strongly as you did before? He texts: the marriage wasn't healthy. Me: past tense, we need a new one then. Then no more texts from him until later. I tell him that I saw that girl and don't want that type of scenario to be a part of my life anymore so I need to move on. He says: Life isn't always some deep web of drama.

After a couple texts back and forth (including mine saying that I've been getting mixed signals from him), he says: I can see that I have to make greater attempts at distancing myself from you. Don't take it as rejection because then you become impossible to work with. That hit me hard because I took that as he has been pretending (and dang, he must be a very good actor if that is the case). When I say something, he says: that's right, I love you, goodbye (to end the conversation). I elaborate (because at this point I am crying and glad he can't see me) and then he says: you are wrong. whatever. don't be crazy. I am so confused but then I realize that I'm not the only one. I think he is very confused, too. I like to believe that he is thinking along the same lines as I am. We love each other, we enjoy each others company, we love our family life together with the kids.....BUT....neither one of us trusts the good times to last because when the bad times hit, oh my goodness, they can become near fatal. Neither one of us knows how to keep them from happening or rather how to handle them when they do happen without having things escalate to a dangerous, volatile level. We have been to so many different counselors over the years, secular and Christian. What else is there (in his mind)? I wonder if the counseling would be more effectual if we didn't go when things were really bad but rather when things are decent. Usually when we go, it's as a result of a hugemongous blow out and we are polarized and both very guarded. Maybe if we went BEFORE that happened.....I don't know.

I think a big difference between us is that I need more words. He needs more silence. I need to interact. He needs to avoid. I also think that, while I believe he truly loves me (in the way that he knows how), he doesn't care too much for marriage or possibly just doesn't know HOW to be a husband or function as a primary figure in a family. He likes to do his own thing and also likes a LOT of alone time. I don't think he understands the benefits of accountability. Marriage and family require way too much of himself for his comfort level, even though I know that he really loves this family. Of course, I say all this, tongue in cheek because really how I feel is - oh well, get over it, life's not fair, deal with your responsibilities and make the sacrifices.

I have decided to stay in Fayetteville when his school is over and he has to clear housing before going to his new duty station in GA. Josiah has 2 more years of high school and he is doing so well. Plus, he is very involved in the youth group with Chapel Next and we as a family are becoming more involved and making good friends. I spoke with his father and we both think it's not a good idea to mess with that. I'm not going to be moving back home to Baltimore. Instead I want to find somewhere to live in Josiah's school district. I think it will be easier to find a job and a place to live when I have to leave here if I'm already in the area. I have so many details on my mind about that big transition in general. If I let myself dwell on them, it becomes so overwhelming that it makes me want to shut down. I don't know how I am going to afford to live on my own with 4 kids. And how am I going to afford day care in the summer when the kids are out of school? Not to mention, just how am I supposed to rent somewhere when I don't have recent housing or job history? So much more but I don't want to think about it. I have to take things one day at a time and remember that I serve a God Who is known for coming through in the midnight hour.

I feel like I have such a burden, taking care of all of the needs of the kids by myself. I do it gladly but there are times where it becomes overwhelming and I lose confidence in my ability or I have a "mom moment" where I worry. Most of the time, I just handle things myself and don't turn to Clinton but sometimes, I just really need his strength. I need him to be there for me. And he rarely is. It hurts so deeply. Rarely do I ask him to be there for me in an area that solely concerns me. Most often it is in areas that solely involve the children. Okay, so he doesn't want to be a marriage partner with me but is it too much to ask that he be a more active parenting partner?