Someone's been praying. I can feel it. A complete about face has happened. God made a way where there wasn't a way. We had a long talk (& cry) last night. Each talking about what the past couple of months has been like for us and this time we really spoke from the heart and really listened to each other. We have been under so much stress for a few months now that we chose our own individual ways of coping and leaving each other out. I told him how sometimes I want to just go to the kids at night and hold them because I'm afraid I'm not going to wake up in the morning. He said that was how he was feeling about me.....worried about me, just wanting to hold me. But holding usually leads to sex and I was so offish about sex that I wasn't letting him even touch me.
I've been like a woman on a mission. Afraid that I was running out of time. Trying to do everything I could and be totally absorbed in my kids lives. I didn't really take the time to think about what he was feeling.
In chapel today, the sermon was on forgiveness. It was an amazing teaching......and timely! He talked about how bitterness (from unforgiveness), if left alone and not taken care of, multiplies, and can form deep roots that can grow into each other and become so hard to untangle.
We're not out of the woods yet but the difference between yesterday and today is a big contrast. We spent this afternoon as a family at the horse stable for a birthday party. The kids played with friends from Liam's class and rode ponies. I took pictures for the family and we mingled with the other couples. It was a gorgeous day and was especially nice being together.
We decided that today starts a new chapter. Keep praying.....whoever you are (Ang? :-) )
*Thank you, Joy, for being there for me last night. I love ya, girl!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
leaving
he says he's going to bed now and he's getting things ready in the morning to leave. he refuses to accept that he has a chemical imbalance in the form of depression. instead he wants to blame for making him "lose motivation" to do anything in life. whatever.
so here we go again. he moves out. he puts the kids through this crap. i'm so sick of it. the real problem is that i am a mirror in front of him that shows him where he's falling short. he wants to be lazy, lack initiative, unambitious and uninvolved in much of life. i'm a constant reminder to him that he can't do that. it pisses him off.
so now he's leaving......again. He says talking to me is a waste of oxygen. I told him that he is a waste of a human being.
so here we go again. he moves out. he puts the kids through this crap. i'm so sick of it. the real problem is that i am a mirror in front of him that shows him where he's falling short. he wants to be lazy, lack initiative, unambitious and uninvolved in much of life. i'm a constant reminder to him that he can't do that. it pisses him off.
so now he's leaving......again. He says talking to me is a waste of oxygen. I told him that he is a waste of a human being.
I'm not who he says I am
I have to remember who I am. To hear him talk, I am a complete failure. I should never be upset or vocal about his shortcomings as a husband or father. I should just accept it indefinitely, carry more and more of the burden on myself until I kill myself with stress and exhaustion. Never mind that he does absolutely NOTHING for me as a husband. He treats me like shit and expects I should do whatever he wants. Well, buddy, you've got to give some to get some. You give nothing, you get nothing. He calls me names and says I live in a delusional world. The only delusions I have is that he will change and that he will someday love me and become the kind of husband I need and father my children need. He won't change. He just wants to blame everything on me. This is getting harder and harder to live with. I have to think about the kids. I just have to think about the kids.
I'm pretty sure I hate him now.
I'm pretty sure I hate him now.
Friday, October 19, 2007
and i wonder
"And I wonder.....if you know....what it means....to find your dreams?" (Kanye: I Wonder)
"You say he get on your f**king nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word.
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is...."
The only thing different is that I don't want vengeance or anything. I don't wish ill will on him. We were going to talk but he put me in a bad position and his attitude and silence spoke volumes to me. More than sitting down to talk.
"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster....makes us stronger, more than ever, hour after hour, work is never over"
"t-t-t-hat that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" (Kanye: Stronger)
Tonight, the deal was that I take Josiah and his friends to homecoming and one of the other mothers would pick them up. I told Josiah when I dropped them off that if she couldn't pick them up to call me. Well, I really thought she'd come through. Didn't have a reason to think she wouldn't. So I put on my pj's and drank a glass of wine to try and relax....and get up the nerve for "the talk". Well, as fate would have it, Josiah calls.....they need a ride. I can't believe it. Clinton doesn't know where the school is. The kids are all in bed and would take up all the seats so I can't even say I'll ride with him if he'll just drive. See, I don't drive even if I've only had one glass of wine. I don't have to be drunk to say I won't drive. I know how hard it gets for me even when I'm just tired. I don't ever take that chance. I ask him to pick them up. He says he doesn't know where the school is and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. I'm dumbfounded. WTF?!?! I tell him, "I can't believe you would leave them there or put me in a position to drive when I've been drinking. That shows how little you care about, not only MY safety, but Josiah's!" I was so mad. I call Josiah back and tell him to please call his friend's mom back (I think she was at the gym) and tell her that I had a glass of wine and didn't feel comfortable driving. He calls back and says she can't. I draw a map and ask Clinton again. He's silent. I try to convince him some more. More silence. I turn away with tears in my eyes, put my shoes on , grab the keys and head out the door. He jumps up, "fine, I'll get him". I'm crying hard by now and say, "no it's my responsibility". Now, I wasn't drunk by any definition. It was just late and I was getting drowsy from the wine (it actually felt good to be that relaxed. my muscles are so tight most of the time from the fibromyalgia). So, I start to drive away and out of the corner of my eye, I see the front door open. But I was already driving and my anger was waking me right up. I took my wedding rings off and put them in my purse. I realized that no talk was needed, tonight or any night. He spoke loud and clear with what he DIDN'T do.
I had no trouble driving....between the cold air coming in the windows and the anger I was feeling. It's bad enough that he would let me risk my own life (he knows I rarely ask him to do the driving. I do all of the kids' chauffering) but the fact that he would put one of our children in harm's way......that is unforgivable. Yeah, he said, in anger and expletives, that he would get them but I knew I would pay for it, somehow. It made me so mad (and frankly, hurt) that I had to work so hard to convince him.
Dammit, I need a man! He is a man in anatomy only. I need a man to look out for me sometimes. Yeah, I'm a strong woman but sometimes even strong women need their man to come up and say, "hey baby, why don't you go relax. I've got this one." I need someone who loves me, who looks out for me, who wants my best. I needed him to say, "no problem, I'll go get them, how do I get there?" instead of getting an attitude with me because he had to get out from in front of the tv where he was flipping channels. God forbid, he should actually DO something or participate in freakin LIFE! Alright, so it's getting more and more obvious that he needs an anti-depressant. It's a flippin neon sign. But he has to step up and do it. He has to recognize it, too. It is so adversely affecting this family.
Well, he comes in and gets his shoes. Who knows where he's going. It's midnight. I don't even care anymore. He doesn't care to do maintenance on the relationship that he already has, the one that provides 2 parents for his children. Maybe he's turning to someone else. Not all the signs are there. But there are enough. Maybe I'm wrong. He doesn't leave the house much. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore and he's not on the computer too much. Unless "she" is coming through the History channel, I can't really imagine how he's hooking up with someone.
We've never been good with communication. So frustrating for me who has always prized herself on being a good communicator. But this relationship stumps me.
"You ever wonder what it all really mean"
"You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"
"You say he get on your f**king nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word.
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is...."
The only thing different is that I don't want vengeance or anything. I don't wish ill will on him. We were going to talk but he put me in a bad position and his attitude and silence spoke volumes to me. More than sitting down to talk.
"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster....makes us stronger, more than ever, hour after hour, work is never over"
"t-t-t-hat that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" (Kanye: Stronger)
Tonight, the deal was that I take Josiah and his friends to homecoming and one of the other mothers would pick them up. I told Josiah when I dropped them off that if she couldn't pick them up to call me. Well, I really thought she'd come through. Didn't have a reason to think she wouldn't. So I put on my pj's and drank a glass of wine to try and relax....and get up the nerve for "the talk". Well, as fate would have it, Josiah calls.....they need a ride. I can't believe it. Clinton doesn't know where the school is. The kids are all in bed and would take up all the seats so I can't even say I'll ride with him if he'll just drive. See, I don't drive even if I've only had one glass of wine. I don't have to be drunk to say I won't drive. I know how hard it gets for me even when I'm just tired. I don't ever take that chance. I ask him to pick them up. He says he doesn't know where the school is and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. I'm dumbfounded. WTF?!?! I tell him, "I can't believe you would leave them there or put me in a position to drive when I've been drinking. That shows how little you care about, not only MY safety, but Josiah's!" I was so mad. I call Josiah back and tell him to please call his friend's mom back (I think she was at the gym) and tell her that I had a glass of wine and didn't feel comfortable driving. He calls back and says she can't. I draw a map and ask Clinton again. He's silent. I try to convince him some more. More silence. I turn away with tears in my eyes, put my shoes on , grab the keys and head out the door. He jumps up, "fine, I'll get him". I'm crying hard by now and say, "no it's my responsibility". Now, I wasn't drunk by any definition. It was just late and I was getting drowsy from the wine (it actually felt good to be that relaxed. my muscles are so tight most of the time from the fibromyalgia). So, I start to drive away and out of the corner of my eye, I see the front door open. But I was already driving and my anger was waking me right up. I took my wedding rings off and put them in my purse. I realized that no talk was needed, tonight or any night. He spoke loud and clear with what he DIDN'T do.
I had no trouble driving....between the cold air coming in the windows and the anger I was feeling. It's bad enough that he would let me risk my own life (he knows I rarely ask him to do the driving. I do all of the kids' chauffering) but the fact that he would put one of our children in harm's way......that is unforgivable. Yeah, he said, in anger and expletives, that he would get them but I knew I would pay for it, somehow. It made me so mad (and frankly, hurt) that I had to work so hard to convince him.
Dammit, I need a man! He is a man in anatomy only. I need a man to look out for me sometimes. Yeah, I'm a strong woman but sometimes even strong women need their man to come up and say, "hey baby, why don't you go relax. I've got this one." I need someone who loves me, who looks out for me, who wants my best. I needed him to say, "no problem, I'll go get them, how do I get there?" instead of getting an attitude with me because he had to get out from in front of the tv where he was flipping channels. God forbid, he should actually DO something or participate in freakin LIFE! Alright, so it's getting more and more obvious that he needs an anti-depressant. It's a flippin neon sign. But he has to step up and do it. He has to recognize it, too. It is so adversely affecting this family.
Well, he comes in and gets his shoes. Who knows where he's going. It's midnight. I don't even care anymore. He doesn't care to do maintenance on the relationship that he already has, the one that provides 2 parents for his children. Maybe he's turning to someone else. Not all the signs are there. But there are enough. Maybe I'm wrong. He doesn't leave the house much. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore and he's not on the computer too much. Unless "she" is coming through the History channel, I can't really imagine how he's hooking up with someone.
We've never been good with communication. So frustrating for me who has always prized herself on being a good communicator. But this relationship stumps me.
"You ever wonder what it all really mean"
"You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"
the other shoe drops
Earlier, when he was leaving to go back to work, I tried to hug him. He got very irritated, kept trying to sidestep me and I asked why. He said, in quite an irate tone, "because I don't want to. Stop". I quietly went upstairs, sat on the bed and cried.
So just now, I told him that we need to talk. He got this cocky look on his face and says, "about what?" I said, "are we going to keep going on like this until the kids move out or are we going to make some changes?" He said that he was in the middle of a game and was about to go outside for a cigarette. I said, "well, we need to talk soon". He said, "fine, then I'll start composing what I want to say". Oh joy. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm out of meds today. Have to pick up the Rx tomorrow a.m. Maybe I should stop and get a bottle of wine to sedate me. It's been over a year since I've had some. I'd probably only need one glass. lol I just feel a bit nervous and need to calm my nerves waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hold me tight, Lord. I'm in for a rough ride.
So just now, I told him that we need to talk. He got this cocky look on his face and says, "about what?" I said, "are we going to keep going on like this until the kids move out or are we going to make some changes?" He said that he was in the middle of a game and was about to go outside for a cigarette. I said, "well, we need to talk soon". He said, "fine, then I'll start composing what I want to say". Oh joy. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm out of meds today. Have to pick up the Rx tomorrow a.m. Maybe I should stop and get a bottle of wine to sedate me. It's been over a year since I've had some. I'd probably only need one glass. lol I just feel a bit nervous and need to calm my nerves waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hold me tight, Lord. I'm in for a rough ride.
sigh
I miss the coziness of our relationship. The "comfortableness" of being together. The freedom with which we would touch each other as we passed by or snuggle on the sofa, watching a movie or lay in bed with my head on his chest, just talking.....I miss the way he would reach his arms up behind him when he was at the computer for me to come down and wrap my arms around him while he played his game. I miss how he would casually kiss the top of my head for no reason. I miss holding hands, walking through the bookstore or the PX or somewhere. I miss being able to talk to him and feel like he was actually interested in what I was saying; actually interested in ME.
I'm sure he's distant because of the sex thing, as in he's not getting any and I'm not initiating it or enthusiastic about it when he initiates. I'm not purposely withholding sex from him for some bitchy, spiteful reason. I have no desire, no motivation, no inclination. He doesn't seem to care to look into why or how to prime that pump. I've been giving him what he needs even when I don't get what I need. After the surgery or the embolism, I gave it to him even when I really needed to be pampered and allowed to rest. I wish he knew how to do other things to make me feel loved (or maybe he does but doesn't care). Sex isn't making me feel loved anymore. It makes me feel disregarded, like my needs don't matter. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not a guy. I don't always want to be kinky or sexy. Sometimes, I want "cozy". I want hugs, kisses, plain no-strings-attached affection. Seriously, if he really cared about what I want, he would brush his teeth and stop with the cigarette smoke drenched clothing. I am a kisser. I LOVE a good long kiss. Hell, I love any kiss. I love kissing. Kissing gets my motor revving more than most anything. But the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth....almost NEVER...really grosses me out. The fact that it usually feels like kissing an ashtray grosses me out more. I've tried every nice way I can to tell him. He doesn't care. I should put out and shut up. End of story.
I'm sure he's distant because of the sex thing, as in he's not getting any and I'm not initiating it or enthusiastic about it when he initiates. I'm not purposely withholding sex from him for some bitchy, spiteful reason. I have no desire, no motivation, no inclination. He doesn't seem to care to look into why or how to prime that pump. I've been giving him what he needs even when I don't get what I need. After the surgery or the embolism, I gave it to him even when I really needed to be pampered and allowed to rest. I wish he knew how to do other things to make me feel loved (or maybe he does but doesn't care). Sex isn't making me feel loved anymore. It makes me feel disregarded, like my needs don't matter. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not a guy. I don't always want to be kinky or sexy. Sometimes, I want "cozy". I want hugs, kisses, plain no-strings-attached affection. Seriously, if he really cared about what I want, he would brush his teeth and stop with the cigarette smoke drenched clothing. I am a kisser. I LOVE a good long kiss. Hell, I love any kiss. I love kissing. Kissing gets my motor revving more than most anything. But the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth....almost NEVER...really grosses me out. The fact that it usually feels like kissing an ashtray grosses me out more. I've tried every nice way I can to tell him. He doesn't care. I should put out and shut up. End of story.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
ugh
My husband hates me. I'm pretty sure that there isn't anyone else on the face of this earth that he dislikes more than me. Yup, pretty much can't stand everything about me. We are so incredibly incompatible, it's ridiculous. We're not fighting right now. At least we've "matured" past that. No, we just don't talk most of the time. It is very uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as yelling at each other. At least the kids don't have to hear that and be afraid. It's the great big elephant in the room.....our love relationship is dead but we keep going through the motions. Not going through the motions with each other, there's nothing left there. But just going through the motions of everyday living, only using the sparsest amount of words with each other to get by. I try to touch him or hug him and he tells me to stop. He's been sleeping on the couch for a couple of months now. Last week, he disappeared in the middle of night for a few hours, coming home in the morning. I ask where he was, he says, "what do you care?". Yup, this is all starting to sound familiar. This time last year, he had that whore he met in a game and spend tons of hours talking to on the phone and online, probably in person, too, since she lives in NC. I don't want to think that is going on again. I actually almost feel too numb to care what he does with his personal time. There's no romance between us. Maybe he's right. What do I care who he spends time with. What I do care about is the preservation of this family. I will come against anything that threatens that. He doesn't love me or respect me, I get that. But I put up with the absence of love from a man in order for my children to live with both parents. I know he doesn't want me the way a man should want a woman, as a partner, a lover, a friend. But I try to keep it together so my children have both parents. Yeah, I'm sacrificial like that. Or stupid. No, I have to do it for my kids. He doesn't love me. I can't change that. I've tried but there's only so much giving and going out of ones way to care for someone (who doesn't reciprocate) that someone can take. He doesn't do anything for me. I've lost my motivation to do anything for him anymore.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
if he loved me
We don't say hello, goodbye or goodnight anymore. We haven't kissed in months. It's sad, really. Even when times were hectic, we'd at least kiss each other and say goodnight. Now he doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me. He's been sleeping on the couch or chair for a couple of months now. I'm not sure why he really started that. I thought it was because it felt better on his back or that he would fall asleep watching tv but that can't be it now, after so long.....every night?
It would be easy to blame it all on an affair (wouldn't be the first time) but I think it's just because of me. He doesn't show any concern for me anymore. He doesn't do anything that shows care for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even love me anymore. I know for sure he doesn't like me much. When you love someone, you look out for their best interests, you nurture them, you don't get an attitude with them when they ask for help, you look forward to their company, you help lighten their load (even in small ways), you treat them with respect, you try to understand them, you partner with them and help them out, you try to meet their needs (whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or intellectual).
Maybe he's offish with me because I'm not meeting his physical need of sex. There's more to it than what he thinks (that I'm just being a bitch). For one, things are different in my body since I had the c-section and now being on Zoloft. My body is misshapen, which is embarrassing plus I have next to no physical desire for sex. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with it. Physically, it is painful and I usually bleed afterwards. Emotionally, I feel sickened/ashamed/or something when I see or hear or think of anything sexual. This is all new to me. Since I've been in a relationship with him (almost 9 yrs now), I have had a lot of sexual passion for him even when we aren't getting along otherwise. But now, sex is embarrassing for me and I'm very uncomfortable in a sexual state. It feels yukky to me and I don't know why. Plus, I rarely feel any arousal anymore. I think it's the zoloft or maybe nerves got damaged during the c-section/tubal ligation. I don't know. I do know that I'm just uncomfortable (and totally embarrassed by the way I look...in my body shape, my hair, my face, my size... all of it). Instead of trying to help me (by romancing me or appealing to my emotions), he just ignores me and doesn't help me out in other areas.
Then there's the fact that I'm really not drawn to him. Sex is more emotional for women than it is physical (it's still physical but the emotional is a stronger factor, at least to me it is). He lives in his uniform or at least parts of it.....like a dirty, smelly tan t-shirt with pj pants or something, etc. He has poor hygiene habits....doesn't shower very often, hasn't brushed his teeth in months (big, huge ew-w-w-y to me), smells like cigarette smoke mixed with body odor (one of the most disgusting smells I can think of)almost constantly. Smells mean a lot to me. They contribute to my emotions often. Not only that but I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Emotionally, I'm not drawn to him, either. He's not doing anything for me. He's not kind to me, attentive, helpful, romantic, etc. My "love bank" is definitely overdrawn, in the red, bankrupt.
Sex has always been the keystone that held our relationship together. Now, it's missing and everything is crumbling.
It would be easy to blame it all on an affair (wouldn't be the first time) but I think it's just because of me. He doesn't show any concern for me anymore. He doesn't do anything that shows care for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even love me anymore. I know for sure he doesn't like me much. When you love someone, you look out for their best interests, you nurture them, you don't get an attitude with them when they ask for help, you look forward to their company, you help lighten their load (even in small ways), you treat them with respect, you try to understand them, you partner with them and help them out, you try to meet their needs (whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or intellectual).
Maybe he's offish with me because I'm not meeting his physical need of sex. There's more to it than what he thinks (that I'm just being a bitch). For one, things are different in my body since I had the c-section and now being on Zoloft. My body is misshapen, which is embarrassing plus I have next to no physical desire for sex. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with it. Physically, it is painful and I usually bleed afterwards. Emotionally, I feel sickened/ashamed/or something when I see or hear or think of anything sexual. This is all new to me. Since I've been in a relationship with him (almost 9 yrs now), I have had a lot of sexual passion for him even when we aren't getting along otherwise. But now, sex is embarrassing for me and I'm very uncomfortable in a sexual state. It feels yukky to me and I don't know why. Plus, I rarely feel any arousal anymore. I think it's the zoloft or maybe nerves got damaged during the c-section/tubal ligation. I don't know. I do know that I'm just uncomfortable (and totally embarrassed by the way I look...in my body shape, my hair, my face, my size... all of it). Instead of trying to help me (by romancing me or appealing to my emotions), he just ignores me and doesn't help me out in other areas.
Then there's the fact that I'm really not drawn to him. Sex is more emotional for women than it is physical (it's still physical but the emotional is a stronger factor, at least to me it is). He lives in his uniform or at least parts of it.....like a dirty, smelly tan t-shirt with pj pants or something, etc. He has poor hygiene habits....doesn't shower very often, hasn't brushed his teeth in months (big, huge ew-w-w-y to me), smells like cigarette smoke mixed with body odor (one of the most disgusting smells I can think of)almost constantly. Smells mean a lot to me. They contribute to my emotions often. Not only that but I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Emotionally, I'm not drawn to him, either. He's not doing anything for me. He's not kind to me, attentive, helpful, romantic, etc. My "love bank" is definitely overdrawn, in the red, bankrupt.
Sex has always been the keystone that held our relationship together. Now, it's missing and everything is crumbling.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
trudging along
God, it's so hard to be me sometimes. So much to juggle and not enough money to stretch and this freakin fibro fog and achy body.... I have people counting on me.
I wish I had a partner. Not just one in name only. I have one of those. But a real partner. Someone who shares the load. Someone who has the same vision as me (of family nurturing) and teams up with me to achieve it. One who doesn't get a flippin attitude when I remind him that it's trash night or ask for help with the kids or the car or the dog or any freakin thing I ask for help with. One who doesn't throw things against the wall because I talked to him when he didn't feel like being talked to (like I knew that). One who doesn't sleep most of the day instead of going to work (for more than just a few hours a day). I'd like a partner who has ambition, initiative and compassion and is industrious. Hell, I'd like a partner who checks the oil once in awhile and, here's a thought, actually makes sure the car is safe and keeps up with the maintenance (even if he has to get someone else to do the work). I don't want a workaholic or someone with OCD. I'd just like someone who was more responsible and active. Someone who cherished me and wouldn't dream of making me carry the whole burden of day to day living of a family of 6. Someone that I could talk to and not feel like I'm playing Russian roulette, not knowing when the bullet's going to fly out.
And someone that I had respect for. I'm running out of things to respect and it's getting harder and harder. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad but sadly, I'm not mad, I'm growing increasingly more indifferent instead. That worries me more. Most of the time, I don't even feel like talking to him or acknowledging when he walks through the door anymore. I feel like "why bother?". I don't know when he's going to snap at me or frankly, even hear me if I'm chit chatting with him. It feels like he's "absent" most of the time, even when he's here. He's just not into me at all. It used to hurt. Now, it's just part of my life. For the kids' sake (because they need 2 parents), we stay together. For their sake, I won't fight with him. I just work on staying out of his way. He's unpredictable and I don't have to subject myself to that. I deserve better. Hell yeah, I deserve better. Maybe he's a nice person in and of himself and maybe I'd enjoy his company if he wasn't someone I needed to rely on, depend on or partner with. I just can't count on him to get the job done or help me achieve the goals of this family or be a more active partner in raising our kids. I can't count on him to have my best interests at heart or to consistently show/express love towards me. We are just very different kinds of people with different perspectives/outlooks and work ethics.....and unfortunately, not the kinds of differences that complement each other.
I've given up on being loved by a man the way I deserve to be love.... the way any good woman deserves to be loved and treated.....I know that God loves me with an amazing, endless love and that I am the apple of His eye. I will pour the best parts of myself into my children. After all, they are my legacy.
I wish I had a partner. Not just one in name only. I have one of those. But a real partner. Someone who shares the load. Someone who has the same vision as me (of family nurturing) and teams up with me to achieve it. One who doesn't get a flippin attitude when I remind him that it's trash night or ask for help with the kids or the car or the dog or any freakin thing I ask for help with. One who doesn't throw things against the wall because I talked to him when he didn't feel like being talked to (like I knew that). One who doesn't sleep most of the day instead of going to work (for more than just a few hours a day). I'd like a partner who has ambition, initiative and compassion and is industrious. Hell, I'd like a partner who checks the oil once in awhile and, here's a thought, actually makes sure the car is safe and keeps up with the maintenance (even if he has to get someone else to do the work). I don't want a workaholic or someone with OCD. I'd just like someone who was more responsible and active. Someone who cherished me and wouldn't dream of making me carry the whole burden of day to day living of a family of 6. Someone that I could talk to and not feel like I'm playing Russian roulette, not knowing when the bullet's going to fly out.
And someone that I had respect for. I'm running out of things to respect and it's getting harder and harder. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad but sadly, I'm not mad, I'm growing increasingly more indifferent instead. That worries me more. Most of the time, I don't even feel like talking to him or acknowledging when he walks through the door anymore. I feel like "why bother?". I don't know when he's going to snap at me or frankly, even hear me if I'm chit chatting with him. It feels like he's "absent" most of the time, even when he's here. He's just not into me at all. It used to hurt. Now, it's just part of my life. For the kids' sake (because they need 2 parents), we stay together. For their sake, I won't fight with him. I just work on staying out of his way. He's unpredictable and I don't have to subject myself to that. I deserve better. Hell yeah, I deserve better. Maybe he's a nice person in and of himself and maybe I'd enjoy his company if he wasn't someone I needed to rely on, depend on or partner with. I just can't count on him to get the job done or help me achieve the goals of this family or be a more active partner in raising our kids. I can't count on him to have my best interests at heart or to consistently show/express love towards me. We are just very different kinds of people with different perspectives/outlooks and work ethics.....and unfortunately, not the kinds of differences that complement each other.
I've given up on being loved by a man the way I deserve to be love.... the way any good woman deserves to be loved and treated.....I know that God loves me with an amazing, endless love and that I am the apple of His eye. I will pour the best parts of myself into my children. After all, they are my legacy.
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