I've been hanging out at Dr Phil's website. Man, I wish he could talk with us. I'm laughing at what he said to a husband who just wasn't getting his wife: "Did you fall out of the dumb tree and hit every branch on the way down??" Classic. :-)

I'm going to get through this, right, God? My heart feels broken in a million pieces, my head is pounding, I haven't been able to eat for days, I can't stop crying and I feel like my chest is caving in. The pain of rejection and missing him will go away, right? please, God.... It's so hard to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. How can it be so and how long has it been since he loved me?

I know that he doesn't want me anymore and he's moved on in his heart. I have to accept that. But it hurts sooo badly. I haven't been able to eat for 2 days. I guess that's why they call it the "divorce diet". I think he "left me" a long, long time ago so this is easier for him. Not so much for me.

I just wish he would spend time with the kids or at least call them or something. That's just not like him. He loves his kids.

sad

My previous post painted a dark picture of him. I'm very hurt. It's hard to see the positive. But after talking to Nola and previously Jillian, I started remembering things about him that I adore, admire, respect. It made me ache all over again, physically ache. I think what he is trying to get the strength to get away from is the codependency of this relationship. I think he's known for a long time that he needed to do this. He picked a time when I seemed strong enough to handle it. I don't know. But I really don't think waiting until after the holidays would've hurt, though. I know that the divorce needs to happen and that I have to be strong but it is hard.

Yes, there is the factor of the addiction to starting relationships on the internet that is a violation of our covenant. I realize that I have had so much resentment over the years towards him for this. When I look back, I realize that it poisoned most good thoughts. No matter what he did, it was difficult to be satisfied with him. The memory of all the times (and man, there were many) he cheated on me was like a wall in my heart that prevented me from truly wanting him or admiring him or respecting him. I know that this addiction is his problem and not mine. But I know that I have hurt him, physically, whenever I would allow my frustration to push me past my own personal boundaries. Being hit is one thing he absolutely could not tolerate (even if he was pushing me or backing me to a wall and I saw it as protecting myself). His brother told me that he was hit a lot when he was a child. I feel horrible for each time although I know that I was turning to a survival tactic leftover from my own childhood.....protect myself at any cost and to swing hard and fast (even if it was only a perceived threat).

Maybe this would have been easier to deal with if we had been having a bad fight. But we weren't. I really miss him.

help me, Lord

I found a text document that "she" had sent to him. Sick, cheesy porn of a fantasy of them doing something together. I also found the photo he used in his My Space. It's titled "Me Again". How long has this been going on?? What really makes me mad is that this stuff was on MY laptop! He used MY laptop to take pictures of himself (clothed) to send to "her" (or more, I don't know how many there are) and he saved that nasty description on the desktop where Josiah could see because he used that profile when he and Clint were playing games together.

This is the very laptop that he lovingly picked out for me and gave to me as a gift. He is so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm going to puke. This has happened soooo many times but each time is like a kick in the stomach that makes me shaky. I know that he has a sickness but I also know that I don't have to keep being tortured by it. I have to file for divorce. I can't live with this anymore. Barring a Damascus Road experience for him, I have to move on with what little feminine dignity I have left. I know that there are better things in life for me. Most importantly, my children need a "whole" mommy that isn't being handicapped by emotional torment.

Help me, Lord, to get through this. Give me the strength to watch and work and sing and pray because "who have I in Heaven but You Lord and what power can I hope to find down here on earth". You are my One Thing. Help me keep my focus on that and I know that the rest will fall into place.

It was this time of year (Thanksgiving, going into the first week of December) in 1998 that he decided to take our friendship into forbidden territory by pouring on the charm and seduction. I know that I allowed it to happen but when I look back on that time frame, I see how craftily he seduced me. And I mean SEDUCED in the strongest, most sinister form of the word.....like a subtle, hissing, seductive serpent.

To this day, I remember a dream that I had that first week after he kissed me the first time (on Dec 3). I was sitting, cross legged, in an overstuffed chair in front of a tv with a large paint bucket on the floor in front of me. In the bucket was a large venomous snake, speaking to me and moving around. In the dream, I referred to the snake as Clinton. Behind me was all of my loved ones, friends and family (I look back now and it reminds me of the Verizon phone commercials with the "network" behind them). I remember having to sit very still because if I moved suddenly away, the snake was going to strike. Someone behind me was whispering to me to be still and that they were going to try to reach and pull me away quickly. I was saying no because I wouldn't make it.

I woke up feeling very sick. Here I was, an active church goer and participant, with a whole network of godly friends, working in Denny's and falling for an 18 yr old loner. What the heck was I thinking?? My friends and family were so shocked because it was so out of character for me. But there was a void in me that allowed it to happen.

I think that the little seduction game that Clinton has played out over and over again with a whole slew of women started out with me but just went too far for him. I got pregnant with Olivia and he convinced himself that he was in love with me to try to become a "good person". He thought being with me would help him escape his demons and make his life right. He once told me (in Alaska when I was going to move back to PA with the kids because of this very behavior) that he didn't like who he was without me. That he felt empty inside.

But he couldn't run away from who his true self. He needs deliverance and until he gets it, that demon in him will continue to jump up and grab him by the throat, no matter how he tries to tame his outer man, and it will harm anyone in its wake....namely those who love Clinton and want to fight to bring him into the light and into the wholesomeness, godliness of a good family. He needs a whole transformation. He needs Jesus to do an extreme makeover. He thinks that he has a relationship with the Lord but his aversion of anything Christian that involves an outward action from him, he avoids.

I know that he is not totally evil, Lord, but I do know that there is something in him that will destroy me further if I don't get away from it. It is so crystal clear to me now. Again, Lord, I repent for the things I've done. Please transform my husband. Even when he is not my husband anymore, he will alway be my children's father. And I do love him.

the nerve!

He hasn't called his children or come to see them for two days and he has the audacity to just pop in right now and pick up some computer parts, say bye to them and leave! He is so going to hell for his neglect.

no more excuses

I have to ask myself: Am I better off without him or with him? I think that answer is obvious. I am more myself and at peace when he is not around. It takes too much psychology to go through day to day living with him. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing when the "other shoe is going to drop". Not sure if I'll walk in to a devil or angel.

I can't make excuses for his behavior. I can't say, "if this..." or "but that...". I have to think about who he is right now, not who I want him to be. I think that is where a lot of the conflict has come into play. I keep expecting him to have more of the traits of the kind of man I want and admire and he just isn't doing it. Then I get frustrated because I think, well, if he loved me, then he would be this kind of person and do these kinds of things that I want.

I am not the kind of woman he says I am when he's mad....mean, controlling, abusive, stupid, etc......I am a woman who has been beaten down emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This marriage has brought out the worst in me rather than the best, frequently. I have had to repent for my temper too many times. I've been made to feel that I am overly jealous and suspicious. In fact, although woman would fall over for George when we were married because of his looks, I never had a jealousy problem. Ever. Because George sought the Lord and put God's Word as his standard for living. I never had to worry about George cheating on me. He may not have liked me half the time or thought I was the kind of wife he wanted but He honored our covenant with God and wouldn't stray from that. Every time that I can remember, with Clint, that I have had a "vibe" that there is another woman in my "space", there most certainly has been. And there have been TONS. Even back to when we were dating, he had an internet relationship problem. I would get into his email acct and find things I didn't like. When we got married, I wouldn't let him get a computer because of how bad it had been. But it didn't matter, his friends had computers and he would find women on them. Some he would meet in person (in Alaska). I just made excuses for him but here he is at 27 years old now and he still hasn't matured past his teen years. There are many people who get into similar circumstances (a family at a young age) and there are problems but most people I know grow up. Not him. He's stuck in a time warp. That is no excuse, though. I can't let him continue to destroy me and the children and this family. He can go doing his growing up somewhere else. He's not taking this family down with him. We deserve better. I deserve better.

I feel relieved that we are getting divorced. It is bittersweet, though. I love him very much but there is only room for one woman in this marriage but unfortunately, there have been way too many and no matter what happens, he keeps seeking new ones. That is not the only reason I feel relieved. I don't like the character that comes out in me. I don't like it when I lose my temper. I want to be more accepting but there are things that just don't jive with how I view family dynamics or in what I want out of a relationship. I've gone a long time just accepting that it is the way it is and there's no changing. I've gone a long time thinking that what I want is not important.

It is Wed. afternoon and he hasn't come by or called to check on the kids for 2 days. It really hurts them and really pisses me off.

sad but gaining strength

He's still gone. I have a strange mix of sadness and relief mixed with hope. Odd. I think this time next year, I will feel better. It's just that I know that the transition time is going to be a hard one to navigate. There is a tremendous responsibility on me to do as much damage control for the children. I have to tell myself that I can collapse a year from now when we are through to the other side but for now, I must be as strong as I can possibly be. I must cry in private and I must keep things going as normal....schedules, family time, etc.

Just checked the LES. The net pay is $33.73. Lovely government debts. How can they be so heartless. I am going to call the chaplain and see if he will put my kids on a toys for tots list or something. It breaks my heart to hear them watching tv saying, ooh, I want that for Christmas, Mommy. I just smile but inside my heart is breaking.

here we go again

out of the blue, he says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and he wants a divorce. he was calm when he said it and seemed very sure of himself. we've been getting along pretty well, just enjoyed a good thanksgiving and visit with my sisters. had a small argument yesterday but nothing earth shattering. we both said some things and I told him that if he couldn't adjust his attitude that he needed to leave. I tried everything to communicate with him and find out why he was mad but he wouldn't let me in. finally, I had had enough and told him to leave. he grabbed the car keys and I asked for them back, removing the house key. I told him that if he was going to leave and go wherever it is he goes, that I didn't want him coming back in this house. he packed a suitcase and left. then he said all that stuff today. no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. then he packed more stuff. so I helped him by packing his stuff, too. he said he doesn't have much storage, then complained how cold it is where he has to sleep (supposedly at the Battery). yeah right. he was too obvious.

he started a myspace acct recently that he keeps private. he also changed the password on his email acct. I've walked in while he's on chat boards and sometimes he closes the window. I've told him that I want to see his myspace page but he refuses. he said he wasn't doing anything wrong but that I would be mad at what I saw. I know he's doing it again. he's so freaking predictable. too many things are adding up especially when he starts shutting me out.

I went to pick up Josiah from driver's ed tonight then went (with all the kids) to the Bible study at the Chapel. we're studying Titus 2 in a book called, Feminine Appeal. it's a good book. I had the ladies pray for this situation. I want to do what is best for my children. with Josiah being in high school and having his first girlfriend (and from a mother's point of view, she's a rare find, she has it all, I really like her.....surprisingly for me. lol), I want to tread delicately. I don't want to stay in the fayetteville area. I want to go back home to my family for support. Not sure how I'll support us. I'll definitely go for the full child support. I am being forced out of my "job" as a stay at home mother and it will adversely affect my children's quality of living. They will not only be losing the constant presence and involvement of one parent but of both parents, as well. Yeah, I think I hate him for that. He leaves for school in Feb until July. I hope we can stay in this house until the school year is over but I don't know if I can handle being around him acting like this, knowing how wrong and confused he is and especially if he's seeing someone.

When we got home, he was gone. I had asked if I needed to drop him off anywhere and he said he'd walk (with 2 bags full of clothes in the pouring down rain?). I suspect he had someone come pick him up and my gut fears it was a female.

When we walked in and Livvy saw that he wasn't here, she cried and said, Mommy I miss Daddy. Liam is having trouble at night and both had trouble in school today. I hate what he's doing to the kids. But as for me? I feel a strange sense of relief. I love him but I hate the mood swings and uncertainty. I am convinced that he has bipolar disorder or something similar.

posibility unknown

i want to fall in love with my husband again. i want to let go of the resentments that keep me from admiring him. i want to stop expecting for him to only f@#$ up and start seeing the things he does right. i want that giddy feeling again sometimes like in the beginning. i want him to be in love with me, too. we both stay because of the kids. we hate the marriage. but how sad is it to live out our days without the life-enhancing effervescence of being in love. i hate this time of year....the jewelry ads, the romantic movies. it would be nice to have someone in my life (besides my kids!) who wanted to do special things for me or make me happy or view me as a woman, as a beautiful creation.