I feel like I spend most every day of my life in fatigue. I never have energy. Whenever I get anything done, it is because of sheer determination or stubbornness or deadlines. Some days are worse than others. I feel like life passes me by too often. Even conversations are too draining. I don't keep up with my friends or extended family. Often it is because I'm so distracted. I try multitasking but anything involving words and my brain starts to feel all discombobulated and confused.
I keep telling myself that it will pass but now years are flying by and it just gets worse.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The Storm has Passed
Well, we survived the dark phase this time around. It was relatively short lived but he seems to be back to his "normal" self now. No casualties this time. Thank God.
I'm thinking that sometimes this has to do with his creative muse. When he's got that going, he tends to be possessive of his time and expects to be able to fully focus on whatever creative thing he wants to do. I wish I had that freedom.
But now that he's finished the computer theme he was working on, he's nicer and more cooperative and talks to us more. :-)
I'm thinking that sometimes this has to do with his creative muse. When he's got that going, he tends to be possessive of his time and expects to be able to fully focus on whatever creative thing he wants to do. I wish I had that freedom.
But now that he's finished the computer theme he was working on, he's nicer and more cooperative and talks to us more. :-)
Monday, September 24, 2007
better
Well, Clinton's dark phase doesn't seem to be lasting as long and isn't as intense as in the past. It's intermittent with some "okay" spots. Still, I'm treading lightly. The overall feel of these phases is of self-focus and self-absorption. God help anyone who gets in the way of that or "requires" anything of him. So NOT a family friendly way to be. I just don't talk to him very much and I think he gets the hint. But not strong enough to make big changes. He just doesn't treat me as rudely then.
A lot of the problem is that we are so different. Not that we don't have things in common but rather that our perspective on family &/or relationship dynamics is very different. I used to think that he was anti-social but I see him talking to people and he can be quite the entertainer :-) I think really that he is "relationship impaired". Not just in marriage but in keeping/maintaining/cultivating/nurturing relationships in general....with me, with the kids, with friends, with co-workers.......anything that needs to be consistent or long term. I don't know. Just my observation.
I still think he needs medication, though. His mood swings can be very drastic and it's hard to know when they are going to hit. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be "cooperative" or vengeful. I don't know from one day to the next if it is okay to ask him to take out the trash (and actually expect it to be done in a timely fashion) or talk about the bills or whatever and get teamwork or spite. It's a hard way to live and it really hinders me in "my" job.
A lot of the problem is that we are so different. Not that we don't have things in common but rather that our perspective on family &/or relationship dynamics is very different. I used to think that he was anti-social but I see him talking to people and he can be quite the entertainer :-) I think really that he is "relationship impaired". Not just in marriage but in keeping/maintaining/cultivating/nurturing relationships in general....with me, with the kids, with friends, with co-workers.......anything that needs to be consistent or long term. I don't know. Just my observation.
I still think he needs medication, though. His mood swings can be very drastic and it's hard to know when they are going to hit. I never know from one day to the next if he's going to be "cooperative" or vengeful. I don't know from one day to the next if it is okay to ask him to take out the trash (and actually expect it to be done in a timely fashion) or talk about the bills or whatever and get teamwork or spite. It's a hard way to live and it really hinders me in "my" job.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Riding Out the Storm
Well, my dear husband is going through another one of his dark phases. I hate when they happen. I'm finally figuring out that the best thing to do is to stay out of his way in order to keep from being the object of his wrath and just ride it out until it passes. I think the whole family has figured that out. Even Josiah said to me, "he needs medication". Well, what are ya gonna do? He doesn't think he needs meds. Most people that are around him for any length of time and see him go through these phases think he does. But I can't change that he won't get some. I can just stay out of his way....and keep taking my own meds. lol
I used to react to every little moody thing he did and take each incident at face value. That ALWAYS made things worse because I am good at taking things to the next level and upping the drama. But now I'm learning to see the bigger picture. He's moody. He's unhappy with himself. He likes to think it's everyone else's fault (when he's like this). It makes it harder for me, though. I have to act as if he isn't here as far as teamwork goes. I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with him. Not because I'm worried he'll hurt them but because I feel like they will be left largely unsupervised. He has a bad habit of not paying attention.....of getting caught up in his computer games or tv shows or sleeping on the sofa.... He lost track of Liam a couple of weeks ago and I was livid. I had to flag down an MP that was driving down our street to help me look for him. When I was telling him what happened, and giving him a description of Liam, I told him that if anything happened to my little boy, they better take his father into custody for his own safety because I was going to kill him. And don't ya know that a couple hours after Liam was found, I went to the store briefly, came back, said "where's the kids?', he says upstairs watching tv and really they were across the street at the park!! ARGH!
So I just stay out of his way and don't talk to him. It keeps me from crying when he's harsh or cold towards me. It also keeps me from reacting in a hostile way and fueling his darkness. More than anything else, I want the kids to have a nurturing home. If at times I have to provide that by myself, well so be it.
I used to react to every little moody thing he did and take each incident at face value. That ALWAYS made things worse because I am good at taking things to the next level and upping the drama. But now I'm learning to see the bigger picture. He's moody. He's unhappy with himself. He likes to think it's everyone else's fault (when he's like this). It makes it harder for me, though. I have to act as if he isn't here as far as teamwork goes. I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with him. Not because I'm worried he'll hurt them but because I feel like they will be left largely unsupervised. He has a bad habit of not paying attention.....of getting caught up in his computer games or tv shows or sleeping on the sofa.... He lost track of Liam a couple of weeks ago and I was livid. I had to flag down an MP that was driving down our street to help me look for him. When I was telling him what happened, and giving him a description of Liam, I told him that if anything happened to my little boy, they better take his father into custody for his own safety because I was going to kill him. And don't ya know that a couple hours after Liam was found, I went to the store briefly, came back, said "where's the kids?', he says upstairs watching tv and really they were across the street at the park!! ARGH!
So I just stay out of his way and don't talk to him. It keeps me from crying when he's harsh or cold towards me. It also keeps me from reacting in a hostile way and fueling his darkness. More than anything else, I want the kids to have a nurturing home. If at times I have to provide that by myself, well so be it.
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