a breakthrough last night but I'm still confused.

I've been hanging out at Dr Phil's website. Man, I wish he could talk with us. I'm laughing at what he said to a husband who just wasn't getting his wife: "Did you fall out of the dumb tree and hit every branch on the way down??" Classic. :-)

I'm going to get through this, right, God? My heart feels broken in a million pieces, my head is pounding, I haven't been able to eat for days, I can't stop crying and I feel like my chest is caving in. The pain of rejection and missing him will go away, right? please, God.... It's so hard to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. How can it be so and how long has it been since he loved me?

I know that he doesn't want me anymore and he's moved on in his heart. I have to accept that. But it hurts sooo badly. I haven't been able to eat for 2 days. I guess that's why they call it the "divorce diet". I think he "left me" a long, long time ago so this is easier for him. Not so much for me.

I just wish he would spend time with the kids or at least call them or something. That's just not like him. He loves his kids.

sad

My previous post painted a dark picture of him. I'm very hurt. It's hard to see the positive. But after talking to Nola and previously Jillian, I started remembering things about him that I adore, admire, respect. It made me ache all over again, physically ache. I think what he is trying to get the strength to get away from is the codependency of this relationship. I think he's known for a long time that he needed to do this. He picked a time when I seemed strong enough to handle it. I don't know. But I really don't think waiting until after the holidays would've hurt, though. I know that the divorce needs to happen and that I have to be strong but it is hard.

Yes, there is the factor of the addiction to starting relationships on the internet that is a violation of our covenant. I realize that I have had so much resentment over the years towards him for this. When I look back, I realize that it poisoned most good thoughts. No matter what he did, it was difficult to be satisfied with him. The memory of all the times (and man, there were many) he cheated on me was like a wall in my heart that prevented me from truly wanting him or admiring him or respecting him. I know that this addiction is his problem and not mine. But I know that I have hurt him, physically, whenever I would allow my frustration to push me past my own personal boundaries. Being hit is one thing he absolutely could not tolerate (even if he was pushing me or backing me to a wall and I saw it as protecting myself). His brother told me that he was hit a lot when he was a child. I feel horrible for each time although I know that I was turning to a survival tactic leftover from my own childhood.....protect myself at any cost and to swing hard and fast (even if it was only a perceived threat).

Maybe this would have been easier to deal with if we had been having a bad fight. But we weren't. I really miss him.

help me, Lord

I found a text document that "she" had sent to him. Sick, cheesy porn of a fantasy of them doing something together. I also found the photo he used in his My Space. It's titled "Me Again". How long has this been going on?? What really makes me mad is that this stuff was on MY laptop! He used MY laptop to take pictures of himself (clothed) to send to "her" (or more, I don't know how many there are) and he saved that nasty description on the desktop where Josiah could see because he used that profile when he and Clint were playing games together.

This is the very laptop that he lovingly picked out for me and gave to me as a gift. He is so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm going to puke. This has happened soooo many times but each time is like a kick in the stomach that makes me shaky. I know that he has a sickness but I also know that I don't have to keep being tortured by it. I have to file for divorce. I can't live with this anymore. Barring a Damascus Road experience for him, I have to move on with what little feminine dignity I have left. I know that there are better things in life for me. Most importantly, my children need a "whole" mommy that isn't being handicapped by emotional torment.

Help me, Lord, to get through this. Give me the strength to watch and work and sing and pray because "who have I in Heaven but You Lord and what power can I hope to find down here on earth". You are my One Thing. Help me keep my focus on that and I know that the rest will fall into place.

It was this time of year (Thanksgiving, going into the first week of December) in 1998 that he decided to take our friendship into forbidden territory by pouring on the charm and seduction. I know that I allowed it to happen but when I look back on that time frame, I see how craftily he seduced me. And I mean SEDUCED in the strongest, most sinister form of the word.....like a subtle, hissing, seductive serpent.

To this day, I remember a dream that I had that first week after he kissed me the first time (on Dec 3). I was sitting, cross legged, in an overstuffed chair in front of a tv with a large paint bucket on the floor in front of me. In the bucket was a large venomous snake, speaking to me and moving around. In the dream, I referred to the snake as Clinton. Behind me was all of my loved ones, friends and family (I look back now and it reminds me of the Verizon phone commercials with the "network" behind them). I remember having to sit very still because if I moved suddenly away, the snake was going to strike. Someone behind me was whispering to me to be still and that they were going to try to reach and pull me away quickly. I was saying no because I wouldn't make it.

I woke up feeling very sick. Here I was, an active church goer and participant, with a whole network of godly friends, working in Denny's and falling for an 18 yr old loner. What the heck was I thinking?? My friends and family were so shocked because it was so out of character for me. But there was a void in me that allowed it to happen.

I think that the little seduction game that Clinton has played out over and over again with a whole slew of women started out with me but just went too far for him. I got pregnant with Olivia and he convinced himself that he was in love with me to try to become a "good person". He thought being with me would help him escape his demons and make his life right. He once told me (in Alaska when I was going to move back to PA with the kids because of this very behavior) that he didn't like who he was without me. That he felt empty inside.

But he couldn't run away from who his true self. He needs deliverance and until he gets it, that demon in him will continue to jump up and grab him by the throat, no matter how he tries to tame his outer man, and it will harm anyone in its wake....namely those who love Clinton and want to fight to bring him into the light and into the wholesomeness, godliness of a good family. He needs a whole transformation. He needs Jesus to do an extreme makeover. He thinks that he has a relationship with the Lord but his aversion of anything Christian that involves an outward action from him, he avoids.

I know that he is not totally evil, Lord, but I do know that there is something in him that will destroy me further if I don't get away from it. It is so crystal clear to me now. Again, Lord, I repent for the things I've done. Please transform my husband. Even when he is not my husband anymore, he will alway be my children's father. And I do love him.

the nerve!

He hasn't called his children or come to see them for two days and he has the audacity to just pop in right now and pick up some computer parts, say bye to them and leave! He is so going to hell for his neglect.