help me, Lord

I found a text document that "she" had sent to him. Sick, cheesy porn of a fantasy of them doing something together. I also found the photo he used in his My Space. It's titled "Me Again". How long has this been going on?? What really makes me mad is that this stuff was on MY laptop! He used MY laptop to take pictures of himself (clothed) to send to "her" (or more, I don't know how many there are) and he saved that nasty description on the desktop where Josiah could see because he used that profile when he and Clint were playing games together.

This is the very laptop that he lovingly picked out for me and gave to me as a gift. He is so sick and twisted. I feel like I'm going to puke. This has happened soooo many times but each time is like a kick in the stomach that makes me shaky. I know that he has a sickness but I also know that I don't have to keep being tortured by it. I have to file for divorce. I can't live with this anymore. Barring a Damascus Road experience for him, I have to move on with what little feminine dignity I have left. I know that there are better things in life for me. Most importantly, my children need a "whole" mommy that isn't being handicapped by emotional torment.

Help me, Lord, to get through this. Give me the strength to watch and work and sing and pray because "who have I in Heaven but You Lord and what power can I hope to find down here on earth". You are my One Thing. Help me keep my focus on that and I know that the rest will fall into place.

It was this time of year (Thanksgiving, going into the first week of December) in 1998 that he decided to take our friendship into forbidden territory by pouring on the charm and seduction. I know that I allowed it to happen but when I look back on that time frame, I see how craftily he seduced me. And I mean SEDUCED in the strongest, most sinister form of the word.....like a subtle, hissing, seductive serpent.

To this day, I remember a dream that I had that first week after he kissed me the first time (on Dec 3). I was sitting, cross legged, in an overstuffed chair in front of a tv with a large paint bucket on the floor in front of me. In the bucket was a large venomous snake, speaking to me and moving around. In the dream, I referred to the snake as Clinton. Behind me was all of my loved ones, friends and family (I look back now and it reminds me of the Verizon phone commercials with the "network" behind them). I remember having to sit very still because if I moved suddenly away, the snake was going to strike. Someone behind me was whispering to me to be still and that they were going to try to reach and pull me away quickly. I was saying no because I wouldn't make it.

I woke up feeling very sick. Here I was, an active church goer and participant, with a whole network of godly friends, working in Denny's and falling for an 18 yr old loner. What the heck was I thinking?? My friends and family were so shocked because it was so out of character for me. But there was a void in me that allowed it to happen.

I think that the little seduction game that Clinton has played out over and over again with a whole slew of women started out with me but just went too far for him. I got pregnant with Olivia and he convinced himself that he was in love with me to try to become a "good person". He thought being with me would help him escape his demons and make his life right. He once told me (in Alaska when I was going to move back to PA with the kids because of this very behavior) that he didn't like who he was without me. That he felt empty inside.

But he couldn't run away from who his true self. He needs deliverance and until he gets it, that demon in him will continue to jump up and grab him by the throat, no matter how he tries to tame his outer man, and it will harm anyone in its wake....namely those who love Clinton and want to fight to bring him into the light and into the wholesomeness, godliness of a good family. He needs a whole transformation. He needs Jesus to do an extreme makeover. He thinks that he has a relationship with the Lord but his aversion of anything Christian that involves an outward action from him, he avoids.

I know that he is not totally evil, Lord, but I do know that there is something in him that will destroy me further if I don't get away from it. It is so crystal clear to me now. Again, Lord, I repent for the things I've done. Please transform my husband. Even when he is not my husband anymore, he will alway be my children's father. And I do love him.