no more excuses

I have to ask myself: Am I better off without him or with him? I think that answer is obvious. I am more myself and at peace when he is not around. It takes too much psychology to go through day to day living with him. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing when the "other shoe is going to drop". Not sure if I'll walk in to a devil or angel.

I can't make excuses for his behavior. I can't say, "if this..." or "but that...". I have to think about who he is right now, not who I want him to be. I think that is where a lot of the conflict has come into play. I keep expecting him to have more of the traits of the kind of man I want and admire and he just isn't doing it. Then I get frustrated because I think, well, if he loved me, then he would be this kind of person and do these kinds of things that I want.

I am not the kind of woman he says I am when he's mad....mean, controlling, abusive, stupid, etc......I am a woman who has been beaten down emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This marriage has brought out the worst in me rather than the best, frequently. I have had to repent for my temper too many times. I've been made to feel that I am overly jealous and suspicious. In fact, although woman would fall over for George when we were married because of his looks, I never had a jealousy problem. Ever. Because George sought the Lord and put God's Word as his standard for living. I never had to worry about George cheating on me. He may not have liked me half the time or thought I was the kind of wife he wanted but He honored our covenant with God and wouldn't stray from that. Every time that I can remember, with Clint, that I have had a "vibe" that there is another woman in my "space", there most certainly has been. And there have been TONS. Even back to when we were dating, he had an internet relationship problem. I would get into his email acct and find things I didn't like. When we got married, I wouldn't let him get a computer because of how bad it had been. But it didn't matter, his friends had computers and he would find women on them. Some he would meet in person (in Alaska). I just made excuses for him but here he is at 27 years old now and he still hasn't matured past his teen years. There are many people who get into similar circumstances (a family at a young age) and there are problems but most people I know grow up. Not him. He's stuck in a time warp. That is no excuse, though. I can't let him continue to destroy me and the children and this family. He can go doing his growing up somewhere else. He's not taking this family down with him. We deserve better. I deserve better.

I feel relieved that we are getting divorced. It is bittersweet, though. I love him very much but there is only room for one woman in this marriage but unfortunately, there have been way too many and no matter what happens, he keeps seeking new ones. That is not the only reason I feel relieved. I don't like the character that comes out in me. I don't like it when I lose my temper. I want to be more accepting but there are things that just don't jive with how I view family dynamics or in what I want out of a relationship. I've gone a long time just accepting that it is the way it is and there's no changing. I've gone a long time thinking that what I want is not important.

It is Wed. afternoon and he hasn't come by or called to check on the kids for 2 days. It really hurts them and really pisses me off.