sad

My previous post painted a dark picture of him. I'm very hurt. It's hard to see the positive. But after talking to Nola and previously Jillian, I started remembering things about him that I adore, admire, respect. It made me ache all over again, physically ache. I think what he is trying to get the strength to get away from is the codependency of this relationship. I think he's known for a long time that he needed to do this. He picked a time when I seemed strong enough to handle it. I don't know. But I really don't think waiting until after the holidays would've hurt, though. I know that the divorce needs to happen and that I have to be strong but it is hard.

Yes, there is the factor of the addiction to starting relationships on the internet that is a violation of our covenant. I realize that I have had so much resentment over the years towards him for this. When I look back, I realize that it poisoned most good thoughts. No matter what he did, it was difficult to be satisfied with him. The memory of all the times (and man, there were many) he cheated on me was like a wall in my heart that prevented me from truly wanting him or admiring him or respecting him. I know that this addiction is his problem and not mine. But I know that I have hurt him, physically, whenever I would allow my frustration to push me past my own personal boundaries. Being hit is one thing he absolutely could not tolerate (even if he was pushing me or backing me to a wall and I saw it as protecting myself). His brother told me that he was hit a lot when he was a child. I feel horrible for each time although I know that I was turning to a survival tactic leftover from my own childhood.....protect myself at any cost and to swing hard and fast (even if it was only a perceived threat).

Maybe this would have been easier to deal with if we had been having a bad fight. But we weren't. I really miss him.