and i wonder

"And I wonder.....if you know....what it means....to find your dreams?" (Kanye: I Wonder)

"You say he get on your f**king nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word.
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is...."

The only thing different is that I don't want vengeance or anything. I don't wish ill will on him. We were going to talk but he put me in a bad position and his attitude and silence spoke volumes to me. More than sitting down to talk.

"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster....makes us stronger, more than ever, hour after hour, work is never over"
"t-t-t-hat that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" (Kanye: Stronger)

Tonight, the deal was that I take Josiah and his friends to homecoming and one of the other mothers would pick them up. I told Josiah when I dropped them off that if she couldn't pick them up to call me. Well, I really thought she'd come through. Didn't have a reason to think she wouldn't. So I put on my pj's and drank a glass of wine to try and relax....and get up the nerve for "the talk". Well, as fate would have it, Josiah calls.....they need a ride. I can't believe it. Clinton doesn't know where the school is. The kids are all in bed and would take up all the seats so I can't even say I'll ride with him if he'll just drive. See, I don't drive even if I've only had one glass of wine. I don't have to be drunk to say I won't drive. I know how hard it gets for me even when I'm just tired. I don't ever take that chance. I ask him to pick them up. He says he doesn't know where the school is and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. I'm dumbfounded. WTF?!?! I tell him, "I can't believe you would leave them there or put me in a position to drive when I've been drinking. That shows how little you care about, not only MY safety, but Josiah's!" I was so mad. I call Josiah back and tell him to please call his friend's mom back (I think she was at the gym) and tell her that I had a glass of wine and didn't feel comfortable driving. He calls back and says she can't. I draw a map and ask Clinton again. He's silent. I try to convince him some more. More silence. I turn away with tears in my eyes, put my shoes on , grab the keys and head out the door. He jumps up, "fine, I'll get him". I'm crying hard by now and say, "no it's my responsibility". Now, I wasn't drunk by any definition. It was just late and I was getting drowsy from the wine (it actually felt good to be that relaxed. my muscles are so tight most of the time from the fibromyalgia). So, I start to drive away and out of the corner of my eye, I see the front door open. But I was already driving and my anger was waking me right up. I took my wedding rings off and put them in my purse. I realized that no talk was needed, tonight or any night. He spoke loud and clear with what he DIDN'T do.

I had no trouble driving....between the cold air coming in the windows and the anger I was feeling. It's bad enough that he would let me risk my own life (he knows I rarely ask him to do the driving. I do all of the kids' chauffering) but the fact that he would put one of our children in harm's way......that is unforgivable. Yeah, he said, in anger and expletives, that he would get them but I knew I would pay for it, somehow. It made me so mad (and frankly, hurt) that I had to work so hard to convince him.

Dammit, I need a man! He is a man in anatomy only. I need a man to look out for me sometimes. Yeah, I'm a strong woman but sometimes even strong women need their man to come up and say, "hey baby, why don't you go relax. I've got this one." I need someone who loves me, who looks out for me, who wants my best. I needed him to say, "no problem, I'll go get them, how do I get there?" instead of getting an attitude with me because he had to get out from in front of the tv where he was flipping channels. God forbid, he should actually DO something or participate in freakin LIFE! Alright, so it's getting more and more obvious that he needs an anti-depressant. It's a flippin neon sign. But he has to step up and do it. He has to recognize it, too. It is so adversely affecting this family.

Well, he comes in and gets his shoes. Who knows where he's going. It's midnight. I don't even care anymore. He doesn't care to do maintenance on the relationship that he already has, the one that provides 2 parents for his children. Maybe he's turning to someone else. Not all the signs are there. But there are enough. Maybe I'm wrong. He doesn't leave the house much. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore and he's not on the computer too much. Unless "she" is coming through the History channel, I can't really imagine how he's hooking up with someone.

We've never been good with communication. So frustrating for me who has always prized herself on being a good communicator. But this relationship stumps me.

"You ever wonder what it all really mean"
"You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"