sigh

I miss the coziness of our relationship. The "comfortableness" of being together. The freedom with which we would touch each other as we passed by or snuggle on the sofa, watching a movie or lay in bed with my head on his chest, just talking.....I miss the way he would reach his arms up behind him when he was at the computer for me to come down and wrap my arms around him while he played his game. I miss how he would casually kiss the top of my head for no reason. I miss holding hands, walking through the bookstore or the PX or somewhere. I miss being able to talk to him and feel like he was actually interested in what I was saying; actually interested in ME.

I'm sure he's distant because of the sex thing, as in he's not getting any and I'm not initiating it or enthusiastic about it when he initiates. I'm not purposely withholding sex from him for some bitchy, spiteful reason. I have no desire, no motivation, no inclination. He doesn't seem to care to look into why or how to prime that pump. I've been giving him what he needs even when I don't get what I need. After the surgery or the embolism, I gave it to him even when I really needed to be pampered and allowed to rest. I wish he knew how to do other things to make me feel loved (or maybe he does but doesn't care). Sex isn't making me feel loved anymore. It makes me feel disregarded, like my needs don't matter. He doesn't seem to get that I'm not a guy. I don't always want to be kinky or sexy. Sometimes, I want "cozy". I want hugs, kisses, plain no-strings-attached affection. Seriously, if he really cared about what I want, he would brush his teeth and stop with the cigarette smoke drenched clothing. I am a kisser. I LOVE a good long kiss. Hell, I love any kiss. I love kissing. Kissing gets my motor revving more than most anything. But the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth....almost NEVER...really grosses me out. The fact that it usually feels like kissing an ashtray grosses me out more. I've tried every nice way I can to tell him. He doesn't care. I should put out and shut up. End of story.