trudging along

God, it's so hard to be me sometimes. So much to juggle and not enough money to stretch and this freakin fibro fog and achy body.... I have people counting on me.

I wish I had a partner. Not just one in name only. I have one of those. But a real partner. Someone who shares the load. Someone who has the same vision as me (of family nurturing) and teams up with me to achieve it. One who doesn't get a flippin attitude when I remind him that it's trash night or ask for help with the kids or the car or the dog or any freakin thing I ask for help with. One who doesn't throw things against the wall because I talked to him when he didn't feel like being talked to (like I knew that). One who doesn't sleep most of the day instead of going to work (for more than just a few hours a day). I'd like a partner who has ambition, initiative and compassion and is industrious. Hell, I'd like a partner who checks the oil once in awhile and, here's a thought, actually makes sure the car is safe and keeps up with the maintenance (even if he has to get someone else to do the work). I don't want a workaholic or someone with OCD. I'd just like someone who was more responsible and active. Someone who cherished me and wouldn't dream of making me carry the whole burden of day to day living of a family of 6. Someone that I could talk to and not feel like I'm playing Russian roulette, not knowing when the bullet's going to fly out.

And someone that I had respect for. I'm running out of things to respect and it's getting harder and harder. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad but sadly, I'm not mad, I'm growing increasingly more indifferent instead. That worries me more. Most of the time, I don't even feel like talking to him or acknowledging when he walks through the door anymore. I feel like "why bother?". I don't know when he's going to snap at me or frankly, even hear me if I'm chit chatting with him. It feels like he's "absent" most of the time, even when he's here. He's just not into me at all. It used to hurt. Now, it's just part of my life. For the kids' sake (because they need 2 parents), we stay together. For their sake, I won't fight with him. I just work on staying out of his way. He's unpredictable and I don't have to subject myself to that. I deserve better. Hell yeah, I deserve better. Maybe he's a nice person in and of himself and maybe I'd enjoy his company if he wasn't someone I needed to rely on, depend on or partner with. I just can't count on him to get the job done or help me achieve the goals of this family or be a more active partner in raising our kids. I can't count on him to have my best interests at heart or to consistently show/express love towards me. We are just very different kinds of people with different perspectives/outlooks and work ethics.....and unfortunately, not the kinds of differences that complement each other.

I've given up on being loved by a man the way I deserve to be love.... the way any good woman deserves to be loved and treated.....I know that God loves me with an amazing, endless love and that I am the apple of His eye. I will pour the best parts of myself into my children. After all, they are my legacy.