if he loved me

We don't say hello, goodbye or goodnight anymore. We haven't kissed in months. It's sad, really. Even when times were hectic, we'd at least kiss each other and say goodnight. Now he doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me. He's been sleeping on the couch or chair for a couple of months now. I'm not sure why he really started that. I thought it was because it felt better on his back or that he would fall asleep watching tv but that can't be it now, after so long.....every night?

It would be easy to blame it all on an affair (wouldn't be the first time) but I think it's just because of me. He doesn't show any concern for me anymore. He doesn't do anything that shows care for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even love me anymore. I know for sure he doesn't like me much. When you love someone, you look out for their best interests, you nurture them, you don't get an attitude with them when they ask for help, you look forward to their company, you help lighten their load (even in small ways), you treat them with respect, you try to understand them, you partner with them and help them out, you try to meet their needs (whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or intellectual).

Maybe he's offish with me because I'm not meeting his physical need of sex. There's more to it than what he thinks (that I'm just being a bitch). For one, things are different in my body since I had the c-section and now being on Zoloft. My body is misshapen, which is embarrassing plus I have next to no physical desire for sex. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with it. Physically, it is painful and I usually bleed afterwards. Emotionally, I feel sickened/ashamed/or something when I see or hear or think of anything sexual. This is all new to me. Since I've been in a relationship with him (almost 9 yrs now), I have had a lot of sexual passion for him even when we aren't getting along otherwise. But now, sex is embarrassing for me and I'm very uncomfortable in a sexual state. It feels yukky to me and I don't know why. Plus, I rarely feel any arousal anymore. I think it's the zoloft or maybe nerves got damaged during the c-section/tubal ligation. I don't know. I do know that I'm just uncomfortable (and totally embarrassed by the way I look...in my body shape, my hair, my face, my size... all of it). Instead of trying to help me (by romancing me or appealing to my emotions), he just ignores me and doesn't help me out in other areas.

Then there's the fact that I'm really not drawn to him. Sex is more emotional for women than it is physical (it's still physical but the emotional is a stronger factor, at least to me it is). He lives in his uniform or at least parts of it.....like a dirty, smelly tan t-shirt with pj pants or something, etc. He has poor hygiene habits....doesn't shower very often, hasn't brushed his teeth in months (big, huge ew-w-w-y to me), smells like cigarette smoke mixed with body odor (one of the most disgusting smells I can think of)almost constantly. Smells mean a lot to me. They contribute to my emotions often. Not only that but I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Emotionally, I'm not drawn to him, either. He's not doing anything for me. He's not kind to me, attentive, helpful, romantic, etc. My "love bank" is definitely overdrawn, in the red, bankrupt.

Sex has always been the keystone that held our relationship together. Now, it's missing and everything is crumbling.